Repentence

Often, after I rebel, after I give into my addictions, I have a battle with myself about whether or not I am sufficiently sorry. I try to change my feelings, or force myself into sincere sorrow for my sin. Often I feel like I am just not sorry enough. But how do I get there? How do I show my sorrow to my God and myself? How do I prove that I am sufficiently in the depths of repentance?

Sometimes if I don't feel like I feel bad enough, I tell myself mean things like I'm a failure and I'm never going to make it and why even try because I suck.

God's approach has always been much more merciful. He is always so encouraging and loving with me. He never rejects me, never turns me away.

Well I think I figured out the answer to my "am I sorry enough?" debate.

The other week, my son had a tantrum, which is normal for him. He often does. I often worry that he lacks empathy, and true sorrow when he makes mistakes. Anyway, in this particular tantrum, he was very mean to his sister, and hurt her pretty badly. Kicked her real hard I think. I prayed for guidance on how to handle this situation. I took him into my bedroom and we both sat on my bed. I explained to him that his sister is my daughter and I love her very much and it makes me so sad when someone hurts or does something mean to any of my kids. I had him imagine his two favorite toys and to tell me what they are. He told me and I told him to pretend they're alive. Easy for him to do. I told him to pretend that the toys are friends and normally they get along, but one day one toy ripped the other toy to shreds. I asked him to tell me how that would make him feel. He said it would make him feel sad. I asked him to think of how it would make him feel about each toy, and wouldn't he be so sad that his own favorite toy was the one who hurt his other favorite? Anyway, it didn't seem to sink in with him. I asked him to apologize to his sister, which he did, which he always does, but it never seems like he means it. I'm very concerned about this. However, something happened that day that gave me a great deal of hope.

After my son and I talked, and after he delivered a seemingly insincere apology to his sister, my sweet boy began walking all over the house and doing things to help me out. He cleaned his bedroom. He emptied the dishwasher. He cleaned the living room! He even cleaned his sister's bedroom. All without being asked. All without even so much as a suggestion. All on his own. He's very young. 1st grade. I had never seen him work so hard in his life, all in the same day. The remainder of the day he was very compliant, very willing to help and serve. And it hit me then- this is what repentance looks like. His was the behavior of a repentant soul. He wasn't beating himself up. He wasn't pouting in his bedroom. He wasn't forcing himself to cry. He 1. stopped the errant behavior and 2. started exceptional behavior.

Because he was working so hard, I knew he was sorry for what he'd done, and I knew that he was trying to be better. I'm grateful for his example, because I think that's what God my Father wants from me. He doesn't want me to hide in my bedroom and scream and cry. He doesn't want me to beat myself up. He wants me to get up and do good. Stop the bad, start the good. And by doing good, I can show Him that I'm serious about getting out this addiction.

Bring on the rain.

How grateful and comforted I am for God's sweet mercy.

Bring on the Rain!

After my last post, this song has been running through my mind and blessing me with hope.

But tomorrow's another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain!

Sometimes I'd like to hide away
Somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost
But not the war.

I might be defeated
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathin'
But I'm not dead.

I can do this!

Drowned

I feel like I escaped from a sunken ship, a ship that was all the way to the bottom of the ocean before I broke free. And I swam and I swam and I swam and I swam, believing the surface was closer than it was. Hoping the surface was closer than it was. But I couldn't see it. And well the pressure, the pressure of being without oxygen for so long, the physical pressure and the perceived pressure, it all got to me. I was so tired of swimming. I felt like I couldn't swim up anymore. Because I'd gone so far already. I felt I couldn't fight anymore. And I couldn't see the surface. It must be too far away. And I just stopped swimming. Drowned.

So,I have been working for so long. I have been proactive about going to the 12 step Addiction Recovery Program meetings. No one told me to go. I just did. I got a therapist. No one told me to do it, I just did. I want to get better. I'm praying daily, reading my scriptures daily. I can't help but wonder that if I can't even get free of this addiction with a professional, AND a 12 step program, then what kind of hope is there for me?

On the other hand, I'm relatively certain that kind of thought is satan-originated. I'm relatively certain that mine is not a hopeless situation.

Seems like 30 days is my limit.

But on the other hand, I've made it 30 days in the past year MANY more times than I ever have before (since my marriage failed). So that's good right? I mean, that's progress, even if it's just a tiny bit of progress, it's progress, right?

I'm sick.

I feel like I lost. I put up my best fight and I lost anyway.

The Lies

Here's what's happening right now. Here's a glimpse into my head, my thoughts. Here you go:

I just want to say goodbye. Just one more time, just one last gander at the evil of pornography, just one more moment with myself, just today only, and that's it. I just want a farewell. I can't keep doing this anymore because it doesn't fit with my life anymore. I can't keep pretending when I know so much. I am facing an eternal goodbye of something that has been a part me for so long. And I think I'm ready, but I just want one last goodbye. Today. Now.

Just one more. Just one! And it will be really good. And it will fill a need that I have right now--

Oh wait. No. No it won't. Never has. Never will.

Just tonight only.

Wait, Erin, that's a lie too. Even if it was true that by giving in tonight you'll have strength to withstand always in the future, that wouldn't give you license to sin now.

I have so much to worry about. I have homework and housework and my kids and I'm not being a good enough mom and I just need a break from it all, I just need something else to focus on, some ONE thing to focus on and keep my thoughts all together. It's too hard. I can't do it. I need a release. I need a refuge. There is no other refuge.

Which led me now to search to find out if Jesus ever said He's the Refuge. I don't know but I found this old Lutheran Hymn "Jesus Refuge of the Weary" and here's the 2nd verse:

Do we pass that cross unheeding,
Breathing no repentant vow,
Though we see Thee wounded, bleeding,
See Thy thorn encircled brow?
Yet Thy sinless death hath brought us
Life eternal, peace, and rest;
Only what Thy grace hath taught us
Calms the sinner’s stormy breast.

And I imagined myself walking past the Cross while Jesus hung and I, paying no mind to the One who saved me, continued on my way to sin.

I would never do that. Well. Not literally anyway. I guess that's the exact idea I'm entertaining now.

And then I continued a search on lds.org. Found Revelation 3.

v 11: "...hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown."

What do I have? A few days under my belt. Who is the man that can take my crown? I am. What do I have? A beautiful family. A home, a job, my sweet sweet kids. Sometimes, the Holy Ghost. My children. HOLD FAST, Erin, and keep your crown. Okay. Yes.

And v 21: "To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne."

And 20: "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me."

Which verse turned my lips to God and asked Him Then come here with me! Come in! I need Thee, oh forgive these thoughts. Give me strength, my Father.

And now I am stronger. And I am loved by God. I need nothing more.

Please note that this post is as honest as they come. This was literally following my thoughts, AS I was writing, I was finding the hymn, the scriptures, and praying. Just as written. Funny that this post about lies is possibly the most forthcoming post ever. I let you in, Reader. I hope you see that God can free you.

Fear vs Hope

One of my favorite quotes is by a murderous leader, Napoleon Bonaparte. He said, "He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat." I wonder if I've mentioned this quote before because it's been one of my favorites for over a decade. Anyway. Even though it's a favorite, even though it speaks to me, I haven't fully grasped its meaning. If I had, what happened on Thursday would never have happened.

I have a constant fear that I'll fail. Tomorrow is my 30 days clean day! And I have never made it much farther than 30 days before. So I fear, especially now, that I will fail. Because here is where I always fail, if indeed I've made it this far.

I've been fearful all week.

Before I get to the punchline of this fear bit, let me share what happened Thursday. As I like to do , I will share the episode by using an analogy. For the sake of this story, let's say I'm an alcoholic. I think it's just easier to talk about beer than sex. Maybe I'm a coward for it. But here we go. So if I'm an alcoholic, then Thursday was a bad day. I was thinking about beer all the day long. I hadn't slept much all week and I was very tired, and being tired often leads to thoughts about beer. It was bedtime. The kids were sleeping. I had a cold beer in the fridge (this actually doesn't relate to me at all because my addiction doesn't require me to have or hold anything, or to have had something stored) so I took it out and held it. I just held it. Felt its coolness. Thought about how it would feel if it was draining down my throat. Thought about how refreshing it would be if I could just have one beer. But I just held it.

I put it down a few times but it was always in my sight. I picked it up again and opened the tab. I could smell it. I wanted it very much. I could see the steam stuff as the cool liquid met the warm air. I imagined just what it would taste like, feel like. And I wanted it very much. But I also very much wanted it to go away. I wanted desperately to drop it and forget about it. I kept telling myself I would never drink it but I just wanted to bring it to my face so I could smell it better. That was all. I just wanted to feel the cool can on my face. But I would never drink it, I promise-lied to myself. Then I took a sip. Then begged a friend for help.

My friend saved me that night, saved me from drinking the can of beer, saved me from opening another can, saved me from drunkenness. There are some significant elements here that I want to address. 1st, I ASKED SOMEONE FOR HELP! Now, I had been praying through the evening, even as I was proverbially holding that proverbial beer can, and I think that if I hadn't been praying I likely wouldn't have lasted as long as I did, and I likely wouldn't have had the courage to reach out to my friend. I was scared to, I was nervous, even though he's been a trusted friend for years, even though he's said if I ever needed help to just ask, even though I didn't feel like he would hate me for it, I was still scared. It's embarrassing. But I did it! I put insecurities away and reached out in my vulnerability, and he was there for me. By the way, this friend recently discovered all this dark stuff about me in kinda an unusual way, and I'm very grateful because he has been extremely helpful in my recovery. Which is the 2nd thing I want to point out. Having a friend know the details of my addiction has been invaluable. I feel a bit more accountable, I have a lot more support, and, I now have someone I can turn to for help. I'm so grateful for his continued friendship even after knowing all this stuff about me, and for his care and incredible support. Thank you, Friend.

The thing is, I'm not sure if I can count it as a success. It was also a failure. I got much closer to my addiction than I have in a long time. I sipped that beer!! I tasted it before I put it away! I don't know if today is day 29 or day 3. I could argue for both. But I'm on the fence.

I'm very glad, though, to know that I do have someone to turn to in dire straights like Thursday night.

On Friday, I went to my Addiction Recovery Program meeting. There was another woman there! And she was the one who helped me to change my perspective, with her comments. She said that she had some changes coming in her life that would make her several-months-clean streak a little more difficult to maintain, and that she hoped she would make it through.

I felt then as though I had been shaken. Yes! That's it! She hopes she'll make it through! Next time I'm approaching 30 days, I'll simply change my thinking. I will not be afraid that I'll fail. I will be hopeful that I will make it through. Hope never hurt anything. If I hope and then I fail, I will not be any worse for hoping. If I fear, the likelihood that I will fail is much more. I can't wait to put this to test and change my fear to hope.

I am still being blessed with miracles. I wonder when they'll stop. I don't think they'll stop. I think there's always a miracle to be found.

Petition: Granted

God DID grant my petition. I was so tired yesterday, so emotionally tired. It had been a very difficult day. Not even so much in direct temptation as it was just-- well, I'm sensitive, sometimes too sensitive, and things had been said to me and about me that were getting to me, really hurting my feelings. It's interesting how Satan uses so many different methods to tempt us. He wanted to shake my sense of identity by whispering lies following others' comments. I'm pretty sure he managed to convince me that the intentions of some of the people talking to me and about me were malicious. I know that's not true, now. But I was so caught up in it yesterday, and so hurt.

I began losing faith in myself. I felt like these people couldn't see who I really am or how hard I'm really trying. And If they couldn't see that, then maybe my efforts haven't been enough. Well, that's a lie, on both counts. It wasn't as about me as I made it out to be, and even if it was, no one besides my Father and myself gets to decide if my efforts are sufficient. But I didn't see any of that last night, and I just wanted an escape from the day.

Problem is, my chosen escapes are generally much more destructive than not escaping would be.

There were several points in the day yesterday that I figured I'd give in later that day. I was tired of resisting. But I kept thinking "effectual struggle! this is my effectual struggle!" and that would put me back on track. But my determination never stayed long. Isn't it interesting? A few days ago, Satan used images in my imagination to tempt me. He used desires for that physical affection that ought to be reserved for marriage. Yesterday, he used feelings of self pity that had nothing to do with sex. He just tried to create a scenario from I would feel I'd need an escape. He knows my preferred escape. Whatever it is next time, I hope I'm prepared! I know that God will deliver me again if I ask.

Back to yesterday: I got home from work and was going to nap. I prayed first. I asked God to release me from my sadness and self doubt. And then a miracle happened, almost instantly. I didn't get a chance to even get in my bed for a nap. I think maybe if I'd gone to bed, I may have not been able to fight off the tiredness and sadness. But instead, I got a message from someone to call him. It was my therapist! I tell you what, everyone should have one of these. :) I called him and by the time we were done with the call, I felt worlds lighter, and I could handle my life. The focus had been removed from my relatively petty issues, and I was renewed.

I am so grateful that my Savior, Jesus Christ, is so invested in my recovery that He paid for it. I'm so grateful for a kind and merciful Father in Heaven who grants my righteous pleas and endows me with grace and power as I seek it. How do They love me like that? I must be pretty special.

Thank you to all who are praying for me.

exhausted

so tired of resisting. So tired. Wanna believe the lie that I can't do it, I can't make it another day or hour. God, help me. Father, hear my petition and release me from this pain...

But I Smell Freedom

One reason I made it through was because my Father in Heaven provided me with some wonderful ammo. I was half thinking half praying, asking why am I feeling this way?! Why is it so hard today? I remembered suddenly a scripture phrase: "effectual struggle." I wondered where it was in the scriptures and what it was talking about. It seemed pretty applicable. So on my break at work, I found the verse, and through it, God spoke to me. I share it with you now. From chapter 7 of the book of Mosiah from the Book of Mormon:

v 18 And it came to pass that when they had gathered themselves together that he spake unto them in this wise, saying: O ye, my people, lift up your heads and be comforted; for behold, the time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies, notwithstanding our many strugglings, which have been in vain; yet I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made.

OR, I like it this way: Oh, my Erin, lift up your head and be comforted! For behold, the time is at hand, or is not far distant, when you shall no longer be in subjection to your enemies and your addictions, notwithstanding your many struggles, which have been in vain. Yet I tell you there is still an effectual struggle to be made."

I feel like I just need to get over this hill. No, it's a mountain. And I feel like it's going to be extremely painful and difficult, but I feel like once I make it over this HUGE last hurdle, I will be more whole. I'll be out of muddy waters and in God's constant grace. Of course, I know once I'm there, I'll need to make every effort to stay there and to continue to improve, but I feel like the time is not far distant when I shall no longer be in subjection to my addictions. Just there is still an effectual struggle.

What is an effectual struggle, I asked myself? "Struggle" I know very well. But I had to look up effectual. From thefreedictionary.com:

"ef·fec·tu·al ( -f k ch - l). adj. Producing or sufficient to produce a desired effect; fully adequate."

So the struggle which the people of Limhi faced yet, and the struggle which I face yet, is effectual. Can be, anyway, should I choose for it to be. The desired effect would be, ultimately, freedom from my addictions and low sense of worth. I can choose for my next struggle to be effectual! THIS struggle. THIS battle that I'm currently fighting. I hope I'm about to win the war.

I don't expect perfection from myself while I struggle. I only expect my best.

The verses continue:
19 Therefore, lift up your heads, and rejoice, and put your trust in God, in that God who was the God of Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob; and also, that God who brought the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt, and caused that they should walk through the Red Sea on dry ground, and fed them with manna that they might not perish in the wilderness; and many more things did he do for them.

-so if I believe that God is the same yesterday, today and forever, then I believe that He'll help me as He helped Abraham, Isaac, the Israelites, etc. And I do. I believe He can and will deliver me out of bondage!

20 And again, that same God has brought our fathers out of the land of Jerusalem, and has kept and preserved his people even until now; and behold, it is because of our iniquities and abominations that he has brought us into bondage.

I know why I'm imprisoned. It's my choices.

And I close with the last verse of the chapter:
33 But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage.

I was built to overcome this.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

And let me tell you why.

As my therapist put it (yes, I have a therapist now!), when God lines things up in your life to work out, and inspire and promote positive changes, then Satan is there trying to mess you up.

Holy cow! Today and yesterday, I have felt the Adversary in my presence. It's awful. I'm trying so hard to stay above it, to rise to the gifts God has given me. I have to make clear and concise decisions several times a day in order to stay away from sin. I'm so grateful that I am remembering to make these decisions! No, I will NOT listen to you Satan. I AM important and I DO matter, and I know your lies.

I was praying today, pretty much the whole day. I kept needing more strength. Temptations kept flying at me in unusual ways. Abrupt and uninvited, an image would enter my consciousness. I would want to think about it, think about sex, think about all the things I could do with that abruptly appearing image. But I would shut it out. Sometimes I lingered for a moment before I regained courage and power. I can't describe how difficult this day has been! I can't describe the new and unpleasant sensations that filled every crevice of my body and mind! I've never been so tempted in public places before- at school, at work- I just kept wanting to rush off somewhere and make the temptations disappear the best way I know how- by giving in. I KNEW that would take care of it! If I could just slip away silently into the bathroom for a few minutes, then the horrible thoughts and feelings would flee. I'm not talking about porn here. I just needed a few minutes and then the crappy feelings would go away for the rest of the day. Of course, they'd be replaced by new and crappier feelings, but it's very difficult for me to think that far ahead. Instead, I remembered who Satan is, and figured that he must be behind all this nonsense, trying to make me doubt myself, hate myself, betray myself. And I remembered I have the power to get him out of my way. I actually addressed him and told him he can't make me believe that God doesn't love me, not today. I prayed like crazy, and I was always given strength when I asked for it.

I feel like I've been in an intense and bloody battle all day, and I'm exhausted by it all. But I come from today's battle the victor. I thank my God!

Trying!

Trying so hard to keep above the melancholy that is just begging to pull me under.

I've been reading spiritual things and watching conference talks and such. So that's probably what's keeping me afloat, if only barely.

I've been on this high for the past week or so, and it's been very exciting. I have had miracles appear before me! I have been given strength and mercy and love and grace, and now I'm exhausted by it all. I feel like I need to rise to meet all these gifts. And I do. I DO need to rise to meet them. This is not to say I need to earn them.

I need to calm down, relax, refocus, and continue. And that is just what I'll do.

On a happier note, I'm over 2 weeks now. It's not long but it's longer than yesterday!! Tomorrow's going to be a great day.

Women

Women can be addicted to sex. It's not "common," but it's not crazy. Women aren't superhuman. Women aren't immune to sexual addictions. Women who are addicts are not any less female than any other woman.

This is what I'm learning this week. One of the things I'm learning, I should say.

It's unnerving and uncomfortable to be a woman with a sexual addiction. It's taboo. It's unusual. We hear about men and porn all the time. In our church, our leaders speak directly and specifically to the men about the dangers of pornography. These talks are never directed toward women, to my knowledge. When we think of sex addicts, we just think of men. And there's a pretty lousy stigma- especially in the Christian realm- attached to men with sexual sins and addictions. And if there's that lousy stigma attached to those men, then, shoot, women with similar addictions just must be horrible, disgusting people.

Oh, how wrong I've been!

And with all my strong beliefs of gender rolls, of keeping men and women equal but not the same, I think I took it a little too far. Women and men ARE different, but women and men are people. All people are susceptible to temptation. And so what if what I'm tempted with is different than what most women are tempted with? And so what if what I'm tempted by is similar to what many men are tempted by? It doesn't mean I'm more like a man. It doesn't mean I'm less of a woman. It doesn't mean I'm a lesbian. It doesn't mean I'm worse than the men who have a similar problem. I'm just a vulnerable human with an addiction.

I know I'm not the only woman with sexual addictions. I know I'm not the only Christian woman with sexual addictions. And I know I'm not the only LDS woman with sexual addictions. What I would like to know, is where are the rest of you? Who are you? Are you attending meetings? How are you dealing? What initially enticed you to this dark, evil world of porn, or other immorality? Are you hopeless? Are you depressed? Do you wish to be free, like I do? Have you become free already? What did you do to attain that freedom? What are you still doing?

I am a woman. I am a mother.

This is important!! Women have a tendency to beat themselves up, to linger in guilt. Being addicted to sex carries enough guilt on its own- adding to it the false guilt of being a woman sex addict is a bad idea. We women CAN BE ADDICTED TO SEX! I would even go as far to say that it's normal. Maybe 'normal' isn't the right word. I simply mean that it doesn't make any given woman a freak of nature. It's human. It's not okay. It's not usual, per se, but it's human. I mean, it doesn't make me, or any other female sex addict, crazy. It's something that can happen, because no one is immune.

I hope I don't sound like I am justifying my bad choices. I'm not. I've simply come to realize that being a sex addict and being a woman sex addict are the exact same thing, as far as I'm concerned. My gender doesn't make me a worse person because of my addictions. I feel like I'm beating this over the head (excuse the cliche), but I can't emphasize it enough- I'm a woman, with or without this addiction. I'm not a less-valuable woman than the women are aren't addicted.

I wish there was a local sex addicts recovery group just for women. Women are amazing. We need eachother! I go to a recovery meeting every week and I'm usually the only woman there. I don't feel safe sharing my addictions with a bunch of men, many of whom suffer from the same addictions. They are wonderful men, but I have seen the videos and pictures they have seen. I have no idea what goes through a man's mind when he's looking at pornography, but I'm fairly certain it's different than what goes through a woman's mind. And what I don't know frightens me. The last thing I want-- and maybe this is egotistical but I don't think so-- is to start talking about my addictions and have some guy be impressed with that, or to look at me differently because of my addictions.... I guess I'm scared to be perceived like a porn star is usually perceived. If I'm a woman and I like sex, what is that to a man with a sex addiction? I don't know- I simply don't know, and that's why I don't feel all that safe talking to men who are addicted to porn about my similar addictions. Does that make sense?

On the rare occasion another woman shows up to the ARP meetings I attend, she's never addicted to sex.

I don't want women to share this horrible, imprisoning addiction with me. I simply want a safe place for women, who are already like me, to reach out and support and be supported. Women are great at supporting, you know? Also, we need support. I wish there was more awareness, first of all about how truly evil pornography is, and secondly, about the fact that women can be addicts, too.

Since I used to be afraid to seek help because my addiction was so embarrassing, I know that embarrassment is hindering other women from getting the help they need. And that's sad.

I'm so worried about all the silent sufferers out there, all the women who are addicted and don't know where to turn, but who want help. How can I reach them? How can I help them realize that they are just as priceless as the addiction-less woman? How can I help them see they can be free?

"It's not what you did, it's what you're doing."

So, all of a sudden, miracles are dropping in my lap.

I wonder why. I really wonder. What a blessed week I've had! What an extraordinary, fabulous week I've had. First, I've made it another week! Yeah! I'm becoming closer to my God, my desires of righteousness are slowly increasing, but increasing definitely.

I worry that I'm too religious here. I mean, there are other wonderful religions out there, and I never want to appear exclusive, or that I favor members of my faith over other people. All are loved by God. All are entitled to His love and His help. However, I am SO devoted to my faith, so my words will always be as a result of my beliefs which are the standards of my religion.

That said! I'M SO EXCITED! My brain, as usual, is a hundred places at once, so I need to calm down and narrow this post to one thing. I want to write about the ARP meeting from which I just returned.

As I said, MIRACLES are raining on me. I wondered "What did I do to deserve this great thing? What did I do to have these random, unexpected events, people, words come into my life all of a sudden?" That question was answered directly tonight at my meeting.

Well, I asked it. When it was my turn to share, I shared a bit about how excited I am that wonderful things are happening in my life. I'm trying so hard to be a better human being, a better woman, mother, daughter, etc., and now I see my efforts are not in vain! Anyway, so I said "I don't know what I did to deserve this." And really what a silly thing to say. We don't deserve God's love. I mean, "deserve" implies an earning. Who of us could ever EARN God's love, or mercy, or forgiveness?

At the end of the meeting, the missionary who conducts it looked at me and said "It's not what you did, it's what you're doing."

My first thought was that he meant what I've done in the past, i.e. given into my addictions time after time, doesn't matter as much as what I'm doing now to overcome. And I think that's important. And I think that is something that could be safely derived from his statement. But it's not what he meant. He went on to explain that I didn't do something to deserve miracles. It's not what I did- it's what I'm doing! I'm striving, I'm trying, I'm attending meetings, and researching resources online, praying, praying, praying. I'm striving, he said. We're striving, he said to the group, all of us are striving and THAT's what brings blessings and miracles. It's not what I did, it's what I'm doing.

Have you ever felt like a pin pricked your heart when someone spoke? Like, the feeling in your heart was directly related to the statement you just heard? That's what happened to me tonight when he said what he said, and I believe God was using him to talk to me. I believe God wanted me to know that He is pleased with my efforts, and that I'm not a failure, and that I'm worth saving. I was in the right place at the right time. It was almost like goosebumps, but internal goosebumps, alerting me that what was spoken was truth.

I'm alright. And I'm going to be alright. And God is here, and he's on my side, and He gave me His Son to take my sins. I believe with all my heart that I can be restored to complete spiritual health. What a journey this will continue to be!