90 Days Sober: What it's Really Like

I've been really thinking about this 90 day thing. Here are some of my observations:

• It's still hard
  I still say no all the time. Several times a day, ideas break into my thoughts, ideas of giving in just one more time. I'm still saying no all the time.
  
• It's not as hard as it used to be
  Even though I'm still saying no every day, most of the time it's so easy that I scarcely notice it. It's like sometimes I get ideas to try a cigarette. Having never smoked before, and having never wanted to smoke before, it's so easy to say no to those. The very idea is ridiculous! That's how my nos are sometimes with reminders about my addiction. Sometimes, the idea is so absurd, that the "no" is second nature. A few months ago, every "no" took every bit of energy that I had. Now, only a few Nos take a lot of energy.
  
• 90 days isn't an end; it's a beginning
  It's tempting for me to lose focus here; to lose vigilance. But, I know that I cannot. Just because it's easier to say no today does not mean it will be easy to say no tomorrow. I have to keep up with recovery and know that Satan isn't done yet. Life isn't done yet. It's going to get really hard and I will be tempted to run to my old comfort. I know that I don't get to let my guard down just because I've met an important milestone.
  
• 90 days isn't that long!
  It feels like forever, in some ways. It feels like my old life is in the shadows of the past. But, 3 months of sobriety and 6 months of mostly-sobriety is almost nothing compared to over a decade (cumulatively) of active addiction. While it's a record for me, and worthy of celebration, recovery is still new. I'm still new at this. I still don't know all the ins and outs of this lifestyle. I'm still more accustomed to my old lifestyle than this one. Even though it sometimes feels like I'm a veteran by now, I'm not. I'm barely getting started in the realm of recovery. I have a lot to learn. It's like being at a new job. By three months, you finally feel like you know your way around. You're finally comfortable and confident. But, when you work with someone who's been there 20 years, it's clear how much you really don't know. And that's okay. I can ask questions. I can ask for help. I have to remember, though, that I do not know everything, and that I'm still new.
  
• Even after six months of active recovery, my ARP meetings are extremely meaningful and helpful
  
• Just when I think I have mastered something, I realize I haven't
  
• Learning never stops
  
• The mountain before me that at one time was insurmountable is no longer scary
  
• The mountain that is no longer scary is by no means easy
  
• But hard is okay, now
  
• My faith has increased
  
• I am happier than I have ever been
  
• I can see much more clearly, now; the fear is gone! (cue music)
  
• Last but not least, I have learned so much of Jesus' individual and deep love for me.
  

I have come to love recovery. I am hopeful for continued recovery and truth and light. I am constantly trying to find the balance between faith vs fear; arrogance vs confidence. I know that I cannot fear failure, for fear causes failure. But, I also know that I cannot arrogantly proclaim that I know I will forever abstain. The truth is, I don't know if I will slip again, but, I can't be afraid of slipping. It's a difficult balance, and the more faith I have, the more I need, so the balance changes all the time.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Thanks for helping me reach 90 days! Here's to 95!

90 DAYS!!

Source

It has been 90 days since my last slip.

I have had two slips in 198 days!

This is a good day. And, it's really been a good day! I faced a fear and I didn't die. I got a lot done. I'm about to hang out with my bestie. I got to see my son (my kids are at their dad's this week). Not too shabby, as far as days go. :)

Ninety days! A happy record. My subconscious celebrated by punishing me with a "user dream" last night. That wasn't so cool, but I was happy when I woke and understood that it was a dream. And I made it, I made it here to 90 days. A number that has previously seen like a pipe dream (while we're talking about dreams). I look back with awe and gratitude. WOW! 90 Days!! YES!!

I'm happy to report that it is possible! Look! Here I am! Look how far I've made it! Look how many days I have chosen to rely on my Savior!

It's still hard, you know? I still have to say no several times in a day. I still have temptations that are sometimes very appealing. Every day is a battle, still. But, I am winning because I am no longer fighting the battle on my own.

I am happy today.

Slipping

I feel abandoned.

I have been playing a game. I have been wearing a mask. I put it on before I look in the mirror so I can pretend to fool myself. But, the truth is, I'm struggling. A lot, actually.

I'm sad. I'm discouraged. I'm afraid. I'm overwhelmed. I'm stressed. I'm angry. I'm sorry.

I'm slipping. And that's the truth. And I'm afraid that by admitting that truth, I will be judged for not recovering the right way. AH! How insecure I am! But, right now, that is my truth.

I've been drinking Pepsi. Oh, sweet Pepsi. I've been ignoring promptings. I've been failing to give up my heart. I've been comparing myself to other addicts in recovery, knowing that they're all better than me because they're recovering better than I am and they are stronger and smarter and harder working and I am just a loser and I can't be like them so I'm going to fail. Comparing is not okay, not okay. And I've been doing that a lot. But, seriously, why is everyone else so much-- ugh, never mind. Anyway, I've been refusing to be healed. I've been running. Just like in the poem I posted the other day. I'm running away! I do not want to make this next big change God wants me to make. He wants me to become busy and generous with my time. Noooooo, I am so selfish with my time and I like that! Why does He want me to give it to Him? I'm just not ready. I can't. He wants me to be busy and organized and stop this idleness. I've been fighting against the idea for the past several weeks. Nope. I got this, thanks. But it just made things worse. And I have become even more idle! Which makes me angry, sad, discouraged, fearful and stressed.

Finally, finally, the buildup of anxiety over these past few weeks became too heavy tonight, and I fell to my knees beneath its weight. And poured out my heart to my Father. And I sobbed and I sobbed and I sobbed. And I said sorry. And I said help. And I said please. It sounded a lot like this, actually, intermingled with shameless sobs: "I don't want to be like this! But I don't think I'm ready to change. I don't want to change. Help me want to change, Lord!" and, "I need help. I feel alone and I need help. Canst Thou hear me?" And I waited.

And I heard nothing.

I wondered, Where is He? I need Him now and He's silent.

But, in the few minutes it's taken me to write this post, He has shown me He is here. He heard. And I'm embarrassed by my impatience.

He won't take this from me. He won't make it go away. But, He will help me through it. My job is to make the first step. I'm scared of that first step, but last time I made it, miracles happened.

I was slipping but I'm going to wake tomorrow to a new day and climb again. I was talking to a friend tonight, and we helped each other a bit, and I mentioned that tomorrow's a new day! I've been grumpy and sad and discouraged for so long, but tomorrow's a new day! And she said, "and 10:17 is another moment in time." I looked at the clock and it was 10:15. And it hit me: why even wait for tomorrow? Who says I can't buck up and try hard right now? Her comment was so profound to me.

I still haven't really smiled, but my head doesn't hurt from worry anymore. I'm still scared about giving up this next big thing, but I am hoping again.

Never has this meant more to me than it does now:

Dear Jesus

I wrote this poem a few years ago. It's what I feel about my Jesus, my Savior, my Brother. How grateful I am that He never gave up on me. He never gives up on me. He keeps coming after me time after time after time. He's in the business of saving souls, and He keeps trying as long as He can! He's in the business of saving my soul, and He will never abandon me. I know this, for He never has. He has come to rescue me! Jesus, my Redeemer, comes to rescue me every time I need rescuing! It is amazing to me-- and "amazing," in its overuse, has become an insufficient adjective to accurately describe my thoughts-- it is amazing to me that I mean so much to Him, that He will come after me whenever I wander, that He will stop at nothing to save my soul. I matter. I matter to Jesus Christ!

I also wrote a song which I call "Redeem" which is the background to this poem. This poem is not lyrics, for the song has none, but the song is the background. :) One day I'll do a dramatic reading with the song playing and that will be fun. So, if you want, please play this video while reading the poem.



Ah. With no further adieu, the poem:

Grace
by Stephanie J Martin


I run away.
You call to me softly,
“Stephanie. Please don’t go.”
Your voice in my name, your tender plea,
Makes me pause.
But how can I face you?
I run away.

I run to the desert
Summoned by gypsies and wanderers
Who I suppose are like me
We play in the sand
And hide our self hatred
With meat and strong drink
Soon they all leave
That’s when I see You, arms stretched toward me
I picture myself filling those arms,
Basking in their safety
But I throw sand in your face

And I run away
Because I see water, not far,
And I know I can take care of myself
But, night reveals the desert illusion-
There is no water here.
The desert is Judas! I think
But that makes me think of You
And then I feel You
But how can I face you?

I run away
I pretend I don’t hear You walking behind me
The moon and stars and desert
Are covered in wind-tossed blackness
And the sand is like ice shards
Impaling my naked feet with each careless step
I un-acknowledge every blatant danger--
The serpents’ rattle, the dizzy vultures’ cries, the black-cloaked cacti--
Refusing to accept that I might be subject to their mercy
Breathless, I stop to look - is that a light?-
There You are again
Oh, how I want to, and I think that I might
Run to You
To be warm. To rest. To be loved.
But how can I face You?

I run away
Again.
Until, exhausted and sobbing,
I crumble to the sandy glacier
It doesn’t matter - does it? -
If I die,
If the desert swallows me up tonight.
Now I hear rattles and hisses all around me
I dare not open my eyes and witness my death
Oh, I wish I had run to You!
I wish that You could save me now
If I open my eyes will You be there still?
Wilt Thou save me?
But how canst Thou face me
After I’ve run so far, so long?
Just in case, I look.
I see the serpents’ impending strikes

But there Thou art.

And now I hear Thee calling my name
And now I hear Thee calming the snakes
And now I run to Thee
And as Thine arms engulf me,
I find warmth
I find love
I find freedom
06.07.11

Alma 5:59 For what shepherd is there among you having many sheep doth not watch over them, that the wolves enter not and devour his flock? And behold, if a wolf enter his flock doth he not drive him out? Yea, and at the last, if he can, he will destroy him.

60 And now I say unto you that the good shepherd doth call after you; and if you will hearken unto his voice he will bring you into his fold, and ye are his sheep; and he commandeth you that ye suffer no ravenous wolf to enter among you, that ye may not be destroyed.

I testify that this is what Jesus has done for me. He has called after me time after time after time. As soon as I decided to hear His call, He led me back to the Fold and I am redeemed. I hope I stay here, because it is safe here, and free and warm and happy. Dear Jesus, what thanks could ever suffice? In exchange for my eternal freedom, all I can give is my heart. And so I offer it, piece by piece.

Hubpages and Adsense

I signed up with Hubpages in hopes to bring in a little extra income. In so doing, I created an Adsense account using this blog, actually. I wanted to get it approved before I published articles on Hubpages so I could make moneys ASAP, but it turns out I have to wait awhile anyway, AND I don't think Hubpages is going to allow ads on my first article because of its content. But, anyway, since I used this blog, ads will appear here as soon as I'm "approved." I apologize for that, and I will likely remove them as soon as I know they're here.

My first article on Hubpages is about pornography addiction! I hope you'll read it. :) Click Here!

All My Sins; More on Idleness

The task before me seems insurmountable; the task of overcoming all my sins and character weaknesses. There are so many! Lamoni's father told God, "I will give away all my sins to know thee." Um, wow. That is some serious surrender.

I'm going to be honest: I don't know if I'm there. There are sins and character weaknesses that I love, and I'm not ready to give them away. It's kinda ridiculous because if I've learned anything through this addiction, it's that I can change! It's that Jesus saves, heals and changes!

My next big mountain is idleness. I've mentioned this before, I know. I'm just so scared of it! It seems insurmountable! I am idle, okay?! I admit that I am lazy! My house is a disaster and it's partially because I have children and it's hard, but it's partially because I am lazy. There. I admit it. There, are you happy now? Do you who know me feel a sense of "I was right!" by my admission?

But you know what? It's not even true. I'm not lazy. I know how to work hard. I do work hard! Just not on organization. It's not laziness that prompts my continued failure to organize and be neat. It's a lot of other things.

I want to fix all of my character weaknesses right now. They are all urgent. I am not good with money. I need to spend more time with my children- not just be in the same area as they are. I need to eat better. I need to be kinder to people. I need serve more. I need to share more. I need to be a better missionary, visiting teacher, sister, mom, aunt, daughter. I need to get a more organized food storage. I should have a garden. The list is extremely long but I'll stop there. I have too much to work on but I can't can't can't do it all at once. And that's okay. Everyone's just going to have to be patient with me as I humble myself before God and become strong.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

The above verse has several "key points." The one I'm focusing on now is the "become." ". . .then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (italics added). The word "become" implies a process. It isn't a magic at-once change. My weak things (idleness, for example), will become strong if I humble myself before God and have faith in Him. The promise is there, in the word, "will." The condition is there, in the ". . . if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me . . ." The process is indicated in the "become."

This is so hopeful to me! Yes, it's a process, and that's okay! Even so, I can feel myself kicking and screaming, saying, noooo! I don't want to give up my sin/character weakness of idleness! No! I'm not ready!

It comforts me. My mess is comforting to me. I enjoy being able to deny people from coming over because of my messy house. I enjoy having something to apologize for when people do come over. If they see my mess, my other weaknesses are hidden, you know? It distracts me from the real problem. It distracts me so well from the real problem, that I don't even know what the real problem is. And guess what? If I "fix" this, if I become constantly active and organized, then I'm quite sure I'll find some other character weakness that I don't want to face. Like this one. Sexual addiction was hiding character weaknesses that I didn't want to face.

What am I hiding with my refusal to get off my butt and DO SOMETHING? What lies under the dusty surfaces of my home? I feel like it's something I don't want to reveal. Responsibility is there, maybe.

Also-- and this is legitimate-- I don't know how to be organized. I don't. Like with my sex addictions, I didn't know how to recover. I finally trusted God and leaned on Jesus and finally everything worked out--

Oh.

Okay, here's the thing. This is huge, yes. Sex addiction is huge, too, but I'm recovering! This is hard, yes. But so is recovering from sex addictions, and I'm doing it! I didn't have all the tools for recovery for a long time, but the patience and perseverance were worth it. And, so, recovering from idleness may take a long time, but every effort will be worth it, and eventually, I'll be where I want to be. And it's okay if it takes a really long time. This is a lifestyle problem, yes. I have been idle/lazy/untidy/disorganized my whole life, yes. But, I have been inappropriately curious about sex, and an addict, almost my whole life, and I'm overcoming!

I'm really sorry for the nearly duplicate blog post. I needed to write this out. Thanks for your patience.

I want to be able to say "I will give up all my sins to know thee." I know that, while I am closer to my Father than I ever have been, I am not close enough. And I can only get closer to Him by giving up my sins. All of them.

Thankfully, I am not required to run faster than I have strength. Thankfully, I am not required to give up all my sins this very instant. Thankfully, God knows me and He will enable me to do whatever I seek to do in coming closer to Him. Lord, if Thou wilt be patient with me, if Thou wilt show me my weakness, if Thou wilt make me strong where I am weak as I surrender to Thee, then I will give away all my sins to know Thee.

Even this one of idleness.

Hello, Enemy

Satan is good. I mean, good at what he does.

He knows me. He's known me a long time. Maybe we were chums, he and I, before the War in Heaven. I identify with rebels sometimes. :)

Well, I have been really down today. Today seemed so long, and I feel like I was kicked in the gut. I'm overwhelmed and fearful and tired and all I want to do is bend over, catch my breath, and cry. I was mean to my kids. They're precious and innocent and I was mean. I yelled at them. Man, I hate when I do that. They never deserve that, you know? In other ways, I was neglectful of their needs. I was so selfish today. I feel horrible about that.

All these negative thoughts kept swarming around inside my head. I'm a terrible mother. I wish the kids had a better mom. I'm not enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not doing enough. I'm so lazy. I'm so stupid. All I do is forget stuff and break promises. It's too hard. I can't. Stuff like that. All day long. It's been quite the emotional beating.

It took until right about now for me to realize Satan's hand in this. Guess what? I'm in new territory. This is day 79 and I have never gone this long w/o a sex addiction fix. Of course he's out to get me! This is not a good day for him. So he tried to make it a lousy day for me. He succeeded. But he didn't win!

I admit, temptations today have been strong. I don't know that I ever wanted to heed them, but ideas, all day long, about submitting to the sins of my past, have been entering my consciousness, much more than usual. I have said no to everyone of them, with relative ease, but I have had to say no a lot more today than in days past. That gets annoying. That gets old. Satan knows that. I didn't turn to God till the end of the day. I didn't leave the burden of the day at His feet till the kids were finally sleeping. Then I realized what was going on, why I feel so crappy today, and I knelt and let it all out. I cried and cried and repented and He heard me. And He reminded me that the Enemy is strong, but He is stronger. And that I'm not out of the woods yet.

Captain Moroni is brilliant. His strategies of war were ahead of his time. What he did was strengthen the weakest areas. The very weakest city he made his strongest city! When the enemy attacked, they figured it'd be an easy win. But they were defeated. The took off and went to another city which had been weak before but was strong now, thanks to Moroni. There, they met a similar fate. No one of Moroni's men were killed. Not one fatality! They then surrounded the enemy and defeated them. I think this story is in Alma 49. Moroni did what I need to do. Strengthen my weakest areas so that the enemy cannot attack me there anymore! What are my weakest areas?
I think a few are:
-how easily I become overwhelmed. To strengthen this, I must resolve to remain faithful and hopeful in hard times. I must remember the sun is always shining, and that all hard things are temporary.
-my idleness. I spend too much time on the computer when I should be cleaning, writing my novel, or playing with my sweet kids. To strengthen this, I must take that leap of faith. I feel stuck in this habit. I feel like I can't break free. But I can and I must and I will. To become stronger here, I must believe that God will make weak things become strong unto me if I come unto Him with my weakness.
-Men who pay attention to me. To strengthen this, I must love and accept and validate myself, so that I don't a man to do those things. I must turn to God to remind me of my worth, not to man.
-Being right. To strengthen this, I must humble myself in prayer and ask for guidance in picking my battles.

I'm going to do what Captain Moroni did and make my weak places strong. Then, the enemy can't win.

Tomorrow's another day. Tomorrow is day 80! I remember being in a PASG meeting once, and one of the men said he was 80 days clean and I couldn't believe it. I couldn't imagine ever being that far myself. But here I am! Look where I am! Look how far Jesus has led me! 80 days! Only 20 more till my 100 day dinner. Woot!

Here's to being of good cheer the next time the sun comes up! I got this! Jesus has got this!

Acknowledgements

Tomorrow is going to be 78 days. I've never made it 79 before. I'm not even afraid. I don't know 100% that I'll make it well beyond my previous record, but this time, I'm not afraid that I won't. Fear no longer rules my life. I haven't even been thinking about days clean much lately. I've just been trying hard to do what I need to do, and to rely on Jesus, and that's the mind frame that will take me out of this.

Besides, I have a celebratory dinner scheduled with Annette for when we hit our 100 days sober! By some crazy coincidence, our sobriety date is the same. :)

Anyway, I've come a long way! And I didn't do it alone. And here I offer special thanks to those who helped me reach this place. I know I'll miss some, and that makes me sad. If I don't mention you and you feel like you have helped me, you probably have, and I apologize for failing to acknowledge you.

First, of course, I thank my God and my Savior- my Jesus. I've said it before and I'll say it again, that I feel like I was a lost and wandering sheep in the wolf-infested wilderness, and Jesus came to rescue me. And for so long, I ran from him. I told him "no thanks, I'll do it myself." I kicked dirt in his face and hid. And the wolves scared me so much, and they wounded me so that I was almost dead. And finally, when I lay bleeding and hopeless, I let Jesus lead me away from the wolves. He came to get me. He came to get me! And He is leading me to freedom! And when I walk with Him, though wolves may growl and intimidate nearby, they can't touch me. I thank my God for sending Jesus to rescue His lost sheep. I thank my God for hearing my prayers, even the prayers I uttered almost faithlessly. I thank Him for guiding me, step by step, out of hell I created for myself and lived in every day.

I used to think I was a black sheep. Now I think I was just a dirty sheep. :)

I also thank my family. My parents raised me in the way of Truth. How could I have known that Jesus would rescue me without the foundation I was blessed to have? I thank my Church and my church teachers and my religious community. After I told my family about this addiction, they were then very supportive and compassionate and never turned their backs on me. I also never felt like they looked at me differently. That was huge in my recovery! Thank you, Family. I love you!

I'd like to thank my dear friend Ben. Let me tell you a little about Ben. I worked with him back in 2008, for only a few months. It was back when Twilight (books) was all the rage, and he and I shared an emphatic disdain for the series. We became friends and we still are. He kept a blog about the time I started this one. I was trying to get my blog out there and I was commenting on random blogs in hopes that other women who were struggling may read my comment and check out my blog. It was a stretch, yeah. Well, I decided to comment on Ben's blog. Remember, back then, I was posting and commenting as Erin. I did expect Ben to take a look at who was commenting on his blog, but I didn't expect him to stick around and offer me encouragement and hope time after time, at the beginning of this blog. I needed it so much. Eventually, I felt really guilty that I knew who he was but he didn't know he knew who I was, and I confessed that it was me. He never batted a judgmental eye. Again, we are still friends. For awhile, he was the only one who ever commented on my posts. Maybe he was the only one who ever read them. I needed that support. Ben, thank you. Here's an example of one of his incredible comments:

Failure is only if you quit trying. Stop focusing on the negative, stop worrying so much about falling again. If you keep thinking about it, it's more likely to happen, stop dwelling on the problem, and start focusing on things that make you happy. I know it's hard, that's repentance for you, but God doesn't browbeat, He doesn't discourage, He doesn't attack us. We do that, and that's what you're doing right now. You know that what you are doing is wrong, but you are on the right track to getting out of it. Satan would drag you down by having you focus on the idea that you're not good enough to repent, that you just keep doing it again, so why even bother? Stop those thoughts dead, stop thinking that "I messed up again, I must be a worthless [person]" do you really think that God can love you entirely and be willing to do the things that He has done for you if He really thought that you were such a thing? It is impossible for Him to see you as His child, and worthless at the same time.

He was a light in my darkest times.

Another blog I commented on once was that of one Race Davis. I don't know him. He had a pretty popular LDS blog and I had hoped to attract some of his readers to my blog, but I attracted him. And he has been a supporter for a few years! For a long while, he and Ben were the only two who seemed to know I existed and had this addiction. Thank you, Race, for your support.

I want to thank my dear friend Benjamin. I also worked with him, after the place I worked with Ben. He was in a leadership position, and I treated him as if he was my therapist. In a way, that's what his job was. He had this way about him that made me safe. He got all kinds of things out of me. It was one of the darkest times of my life. It was a time that I thought of ways to die every single day. But Benjamin made me start to wonder if I had worth after all. I started to think that maybe there was hope. Oh, I was needy. I was that annoying employee who always had something to complain about. But he was there. He absorbed it. I came to believe that he cared about me. Nothing about this relationship, or my relationship with Ben, was romantic or sexual, by the way. Benjamin was married anyway, and I was completely respectful (and sometimes afraid) of that. Anyway, somehow he convince me that I had some sliver of value. I think he may have saved my life, literally. We are still friends and I am less needy, but no less grateful. A few years later, Benjamin was there to help me through the fiasco with David Ridley, that horrible therapist. I lost my mind a little bit there, and Benjamin was extremely supportive and kind and available for me talk it through with. To this day, I can't think of anyone I trust more than I trust him. Benjamin, my eternal gratitude is yours.

I am so grateful to my bishop from the 2nd Ward. He was 3 bishops ago. He nurtured the seeds that Ben and Benjamin planted, the seeds of belief that I'm worth something. He taught me about love. He was the bishop who gave me his personal cell (!!!) and told me to call him on it (!!!) whenever I needed help through a temptation. He said to call him if it was 2 in the morning, he didn't care. He said would be there. And . . . he was. His love taught me a new and wonderful way to live. He taught me the power of love and the sweetness of love. He helped me recognize and know God's love more than I had ever understood it before. He loved me back to life. He played a huge role in my (ongoing) recovery.

On that note, I'd like to thank all my bishops! I think I've confessed to 11 bishops!!! All but one have been kind, merciful, and encouraging. All but one have contributed to my recovery in a positive way. My current bishop is wonderful and I'm so grateful for him.

I thank my dear and lovely friend Cyndy. We were brought together by traumatizing circumstances, and have known each others' secrets from the start because of those circumstances. She has been a friend in recovery for years, and she has been so encouraging to me. Cyndy, thank you for your hope-inspiring kindness! I love you!

A deep thanks to the sister in my ward who spoke to the Relief Society about the Addiction Recovery Program. I had just moved into the ward maybe one month earlier, and this wonderful sister (who I think was a ward missionary) took the entire RS hour to talk about the program. I had heard of it previously, but only in passing from a previous bishop, who told me about it "just in case" I might want to go. I didn't, because I knew nothing about it. Anyway, this sister bore her testimony of the program. A woman I kinda knew (I was still very new in the ward) rose her hand and admitted she was an addict and she had benefited from the program. I was stunned! You mean, I wasn't the only woman addict who was active in the church?! I thought she was so brave. And I thought my addiction was probably worse than hers (now I try not to compare), but I admired her bravery. I was so deeply touched by the Spirit that day. I knew I had to attend the next Friday meeting. I am so grateful she spoke about the program in RS that day.

Similarly, I express sincere gratitude to the missionaries who presided over the meetings (the family side and the addict side). They were a wonderful couple and I could tell they loved me! And they accepted me! Even though the sister wasn't usually in the meeting with me (she did the family side), I still felt like she loved me. I cried when they were released. The missionaries now are wonderful, but I think I will always have a special place in my heart for the missionaries who were there when I began attending. I love you, you fabulous couple! Thank you for all you said to me, to encourage, welcome, and support me!

I thank Sidreis! I can't even remember how I found her blog, but the day I found it, I rejoiced. Proof that I wasn't alone! She was a woman, LDS porn addict with a blog! I was so happy, so happy! And then I commented on one of her posts or I emailed her or I asked to be on the blog roll at ldsaddictionrecoveryblogs.blogspot.com or something, and she got right back to me, and suddenly I had access to several LDS women addict blogs! And they were good, wonderful women and I was one of them! She yanked me out of isolation, and became a dear friend. Thank you, Sidreis!

Because of her blog, I found two others which inspired me a great deal. Warrior, (even though you're a man!) and Of The Dust, thank you for your respective roles in my recovery! From the start, your blogs have inspired me and comforted me! Your comments on my posts have done the same. I felt a connection to both of you (and still do!). Thank you so much for writing your blogs! Thank you so much for giving me hope that I can do this. You guys are great.

There are now a billion other blogs which have also helped a great deal, and I couldn't begin to list them all. If I have commented on your blog, you have helped me. Thank you! Also, if you have commented on mine, you have helped me! I love this blogging community we have! And, also, just because I don't comment, doesn't mean I wasn't touched deeply. Keep blogging, friends!

Annette, my friend. You have been a whirlwind of rad since I met you! What an honor it is to have you in my circle of friends. I'm so thankful you live nearby! It was getting a little hard knowing that all the cool blogging recoverers lived in UT or WA or some such place. And then there was you, ready to go, facing your giants, and keeping my head up along with yours. Your courage and your get-it-done attitude is inspiring to me! I love you! Thank you!

I also thank the two other women who come to the meetings with us. What a wonderful thing to not be the only woman in a PASG group anymore!

I thank my ward friends who know about my addiction and love me anyway. I don't know if they want me to mention their names. Well, I'll mention two of them, since they have both commented on my posts so they can't be too worried about anonymity, right? Rebekah and Sarah, I love you to pieces. Thank you seeing me for me, and not for my addiction! Thank you for your support and your freaking amazingness! And to the one who helped me with Step 5- you said some things that made me think differently. Thank you so much for your willingness and love. All three of you, I am so touched by your love, and my gratitude runs deep. Thank you for your roles in my recovery!

Thank you to my extended family who responded with love and support when I told you all about my addiction. It means so much to me.

I am so blessed. With all this help, how can I not make it? I know I have forgotten some vital people and that makes me sad, but I really felt I needed to write this post and let most of you who have helped me know that you did. Everyone listed here has been a puzzle piece to make my recovery complete. I love you all. I am so thankful to know you. I need you still! May God bless you with someone just like you.

Feelings in the Temple

I can scarcely believe I'm writing this post. I'm writing a post about going to the temple! Oh my goodness. What a miracle I am!

My mom came to pick me up. I had forgotten that since the remodel, the Boise Temple doesn't have clothing to rent. So we had to go to Deseret Book and get temple clothing before we went to the temple. Personally, I'd rather shop for shoes, but we made it through and I had my own stuff! Then we went to the temple.

I walked through the doors a worthy woman. I handed my recommend to the greeter and he welcomed me. And then I went beyond the desk!

The temple is different now. It was beautiful before, but now. . . . Now it's breathtaking. Mom and I changed and waited a while and then began the session.

When I wasn't dozing drifting off concentrating intensely, I was contemplating the incredible miracle that I was participating in. Also, a side note-to-self, get plenty of sleep before going to the temple.... But, just think about it. How many times did I think to myself the temple was impossible? How many times did I think it was too far off in the distance to do anything about? Well it's here! It came and it's here and I'm in it! And nothing wrong that I've ever done matters anymore. I kept feeling right. Like I was where I was supposed to be. Like I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and I was worthy to do it. There was whiteness all around me and all within me, too. I felt like white was emanating from my soul. Like I was white from the inside. Like my heart and soul have been purged and I am clean! This is a miracle. One year ago, I was in the darkest place. One year ago, I was hopeless and entrenched in sin and despair. One year ago it felt like I would never make it to the temple. And today, I went. How good is our God!

I feel like I am clean. I may be late, but I'm clean. You know that story? About Joseph F Smith's dream? Here, I'll quote it for you. I'm taking this particular quote from President Hinckley's April 2007 Conference talk, "I Am Clean:"

“I was very much oppressed [when I was] on a mission. I was almost naked and entirely friendless, except [for] the friendship of a poor, benighted … people. I felt as if I was so debased in my condition of poverty, lack of intelligence and knowledge, just a boy, that I hardly dared look a … man in the face.

“While in that condition I dreamed [one night] that I was on a journey, and I was impressed that I ought to hurry—hurry with all my might, for fear I might be too late. I rushed on my way as fast as I possibly could, and I was only conscious of having just a little bundle, a handkerchief with a small bundle wrapped in it. I did not realize … what it was, when I was hurrying as fast as I could; but finally I came to a wonderful mansion. … I thought I knew that was my destination. As I passed towards it, as fast as I could, I saw a notice [which read B-A-T-H], ‘Bath.’ I turned aside quickly and went into the bath and washed myself clean. I opened up this little bundle that I had, and there was [some] white, clean [clothing], a thing I had not seen for a long time, because the people I was with did not think very much of making things exceedingly clean. But my [clothing was] clean, and I put [it] on. Then I rushed to what appeared to be a great opening, or door. I knocked and the door opened, and the man who stood there was the Prophet Joseph Smith. He looked at me a little reprovingly, and the first words he said: ‘Joseph, you are late.’ Yet I took confidence and [replied]:

“‘Yes, but I am clean—I am clean!’

“He clasped my hand and drew me in, then closed the great door. I felt his hand just as tangible as I ever felt the hand of man. I knew him, and when I entered I saw my father, and Brigham [Young] and Heber [C. Kimball], and Willard [Richards], and other good men that I had known, standing in a row. I looked as if it were across this valley, and it seemed to be filled with a vast multitude of people, but on the stage were all the people that I had known. My mother was there, and she sat with a child in her lap; and I could name over as many as I remember of their names, who sat there, who seemed to be among the chosen, among the exalted. …

“[When I had this dream,] I was alone on a mat, away up in the mountains of Hawaii—no one was with me. But in this vision I pressed my hand up against the Prophet, and I saw a smile cross his countenance. …

“When I awoke that morning I was a man, although only [still] a boy. There was not anything in the world that I feared [after that]. I could meet any man or woman or child and look them in the face, feeling in my soul that I was a man every whit. That vision, that manifestation and witness that I enjoyed at that time has made me what I am, if I am anything that is good, or clean, or upright before the Lord, if there is anything good in me. That has helped me out in every trial and through every difficulty” (Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed. [1939], 542–43).

I am clean, Friends, and I feel clean, and that's what matters.

God help me remain so!

The Day I Did Step Five

Step 5:
Confession
Key Principle: Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs.

It's interesting how important each of these confessions are. Probably the most difficult for me was admitting to myself the exact nature of my wrongs. Once I did that, everything else was easier. But not easy!

I've admitted to God all along the way. I have always known that He knows and I haven't usually been afraid to talk to Him about anything I've done. I know that He looks at it as what it is, and that is so comforting to me. He sees everything to do with the behavior. He sees all the contributors. He sees my heart. I have always believed that, and I usually don't feel ashamed to talk to Him. So confessing to my God hasn't usually been so difficult.

Confessing to bishops has always been difficult. But I have always managed to make myself do it. God has always given me the courage I need.

Confessing to myself, like I said, was very difficult. Admitting what was wrong and what really wasn't wrong was difficult. Acknowledging that I did something bad-- really bad-- was hard. But step five was amazing with that. More on that momentarily.

Confessing to "another person" was the one I feared most. I couldn't see myself doing that! But tonight I finally did! I prayed for courage. I prayed for the Spirit. This day is a miracle. Like God planned it all out and I went with it. Last week, I planned to have lunch with a dear friend. Today, I was finishing my inventory and it was getting very intense, as I indicated in my previous post. Because of that preplanned lunch, I was able to get away exactly when I needed to. If I didn't have that lunch planned, I may have tried to make myself hurry through so I could get it done, and in so doing reach a point of no return in carnal thoughts and desires.

I came back from lunch and had a very long piano lesson. (I was teaching.) And then I finished my inventory. I finished at the exact minute I needed to leave to pick up my daughter from her dad's house to get her to her first ever dance recital. She was so beautiful! Then I dropped her back off and drove home and kinda freaked out because I knew my friend would be there very soon, maybe waiting when I got there, and I was scared. I wasn't scared of her judging me. I wasn't scared of her losing respect, or even of her thinking I was crazy. Because I know what kind of person she is, I knew I didn't need to fear any of that. But I feared saying aloud the many things I have never said aloud before. I feared that somehow admitting them would make me a worse person. Almost like they didn't really happen if I never admitted it. But they did happen, and I will tell you what admitting them to another person did- it made it okay.

I'm very grateful to a wonderful friend who was not afraid to call it like she saw it, but who also made me feel like a normal and loved human being after sharing with her every secret I could recall. She was perfect for the job and I couldn't have asked for a better listener. She validated what I needed validated and acknowledged what I needed acknowledged while not sacrificing truth in order to spare my feelings. Honestly, because her personality and extreme awesomeness, she could have told me anything, and I would have known it was in love, and I could not have been offended. Dear friend-- my exquisite gratitude is yours.

I think that the miracle of step 5 is that it significantly diminishes shame. It diminishes the shame of both the things we've done and the things that have been done to us. Even though I was admitting things that I'm quite sure most normal human beings do not do, admitting them to another person made me human. It made me normal. I don't know how that works but it did for me. The miracle of step 5, at least for me, is self-acceptance.

Like this:
Stephanie, you have done some bad things. You have done some horrible things. You are sorry, and I accept you. I don't accept you without those things, or separately from them, but with them. They are a part of you, and I accept all of you. I accept you! Even with that embarrassing thing you did that one day. Even with each of your flaws and past mistakes and poor choices, I accept you.

I accept me. I love me. I love me and I get me and I feel sad for all the bad things that happened to me and I see how those contributed to the poor choices I have made. But they also contributed to my every victory. I feel good about all the healthy choices I have made, and I recognize that even in the darkest times, I still made some very good choices. And I accept those, too. The self-love that is burning inside me testifies to the usefulness and beauty of the ever-dreaded Step 5.

Dear Stephanie,
I love you.
I love you exactly as you are
As you were
And as you ever will be.
I love you,
And I accept you.

Love, me.

Step 4 Nightmare

It is a very, very good thing that I plan to attend the temple Wednesday. My interview with the stake presidency person is tomorrow. I'm wrapping up Step 4 and it is so intense that if I didn't have the temple immediately within reach, I would be looking for something online right now that I would regret immensely later. Right now. I'm taking a break and going to a friend's for lunch!! I need to get this done but I have to keep myself safe. This is the primary reason I hate Step 4. I don't like recalling things of my past that my spirit abhors but my body craves and misses and wants.

I'm not giving up the temple for anything.

About 8 more hours till my friend comes over and I have to read her what I have been writing. :/

We Are Done!

Addiction,

We have been together a long time. You've been there for me every time I needed to escape reality. You brought me comfort. You gave me something to look forward to. You always welcomed me with open arms. I always believed we were inseparable.

But let's go over a few things. While you were always there for me, you never helped me. Not one time. While you brought me real comfort, you chased that comfort away shortly after you brought it to me. You abandoned me! You lied to me! You told me you would make me feel special. You told me you would help me think clearly. You told me you take the loneliness, the fear, the frustration, the anger, the anxiety and the confusion away. You were the polar opposite of everything you ever said you were. Every promise you gave, you delivered its opposite. You told me, time after time, that I could never live without you.

For a long while, I believed you. But now, now I see. I am better, far better, without you. You snuffed the me out of me. Every time I spent time with you, I was a terrible parent! You blinded me. I couldn't see anything but you when I was with you. I couldn't see Truth. You hurt me. Every moment we shared, though enjoyable at the time, ended up destroying my soul bit by bit. You brought me into depression. But you always said that we were meant to be. Destiny. We would be together forever.

Well I've got news for you. We are never ever ever getting back together! I'm done with your lies and your cunning manipulations. I won't let you bring me down anymore. I'm in charge of me, and you don't belong with me!

That said, thanks for making me so strong. I dedicate this song to you:

The Right Way to Recover

This has been on my mind a lot lately. I tend to get caught up in rules and formats. I tend to feel if I don't do something "right," then I'm a failure. I have been afraid to do some of the steps in the recovery program because of fear that I'll do them the wrong way. Step 4 is a great example. Write a moral inventory. The manual gives some hints, but it is so very, very confusing to me! How am I supposed to do this?? What do I write? What format do I use? There is no way I can remember every incident of indulgence! What if I mess up?

Finally I decided to just do it my way. Just do it the way that makes sense to me. It's more important to do it than to stall for failure to fully understand the task. And ya know what? It's worked out for me. I keep God informed and included, and we do just fine.

Step 5, Confession, was also difficult for me. I haven't done it yet. I'm doing it Monday night. The manual suggests you choose a person to complete Step 5 with who has already done Step 5 themselves. That is not always the best thing, however. I also recommend doing it with someone who is familiar with the steps, who is familiar with addiction and recovery. If you have a sponsor, it may be best to complete Step 5 with your sponsor. But, it may not be! Anyway, I was worried about Step 5. I didn't know anyone personally in the program whom I would trust, or who was also far enough along in recovery to avoid getting triggered by my reading. So I prayed about it, and the name of a wonderful woman in my ward came to mind. She is probably the most understanding and accepting person I know. I talked to her about my addiction and I asked her if she'd do Step 5 with me and she agreed. And she is going to be perfect for this, for me, even though she hasn't been to an ARP meeting before.

I know it's not conventional, but for me, it's right. I finally got rid of the fears that I might be doing it wrong.

I have been afraid even to answer the questions in the manual incorrectly! Or to pray incorrectly or confess to my bishop incorrectly, or when I had a sponsor, to whine to her incorrectly, haha. I wish I hadn't been so afraid of doing the wrong thing. JUST DO IT! Do it the way that makes sense.

I know some people who recovered without the aid of a 12-step program. As for me, I need this program. But not everyone does. It is an inspired program, absolutely. But, even so, we are all so different, that something that works for someone won't work for someone else. However, I do believe that each step is adaptable enough to include all different types of people.

My point is that there isn't one formula that will heal every single person. My point is, sometimes rules need to be bent a little. Sometimes prescriptions need to be thrown out the window. Sometimes you just gotta do what makes sense to you.

That said, there is one right way to recover. There is a right way to do the steps. There is one right way to overcome addiction. And that is, surrender to God. Lean on Him and trust Him. That is the one and the only way any of us can become whole.

Reaching Out, Guys

I am having a hard time. I need some encouragement! I am feeling worthless, unappreciated, and a little fearful. Sometimes I'm okay being my own encouragement and reassurance, but tonight, for some reason, I am longing to feel important to someone. I need to matter tonight. I'm not feeling "tempted," per se, but I'm feeling all those triggery feelings. I am 98% certain that I'll "get to bed safe," but I'm not sure that I will get to bed feeling strong or healthy.

This week has taken the optimism and confidence out of me somehow. I am looking for it and trying to restore it. I need some reminders that I am not pointless.

I don't like feeling fragile and weak like this. I don't like feeling so out of control of my emotions. It's not a new thing for me, but it's new recently! I have been feeling on top of things for the past few months but now I feel like everything is on top of me.

Maybe this is a gentle indication that I have slackened in my efforts? That I have forgotten the Source of my strength? That I need to turn more determinedly to my Savior?

Perhaps.

Regardless, I'm reaching out. Yeah, I guess I'm fishing. I guess it's shameless. But I just need some encouragement. Don't we all sometimes?

All Those Times I Fell

When I was a younger mother, church went like this:

Get up. Change diapers. Get the family fed. Shower, maybe. Change for church. Change Anna (my daughter) for church. Change Matthias (my son) for church. If we had my stepson that weekend, I would also make sure he'd get ready. Probably fight with my husband about being on time to church. Pack a diaper bag with essentials: changes of clothes for two kids, sippy cups, diapers, snacks, toys, books, etc. Load up two babies or toddlers (depending on the year) into car seats. Arrive at church, probably late. Sit in the pew for two seconds before a child had to be captured and returned to our spot. Repeat every four minutes until one child begins screaming. Take screaming child into hall or mother's lounge. Never return to the chapel because child will never calm down sufficiently.

It was even more difficult when my ex stopped attending church. Sometimes, I would leave one of the kids home with him. My kids are 14 months apart so I had two babies, and then two toddlers, at the same time. My son was always exceedingly hyperactive, and rage-prone. Screams and tantrums every single week. He couldn't/wouldn't sit still for more than a few moments at a time. I never learned a thing at church. Never. When Matthias was old enough for nursery, I was sometimes free to go to Gospel Doctrine and Relief Society, but often, my help would be needed with him in nursery. Sacrament Meeting was a joke. I literally chased and attempted to calm a child the entire hour. I never felt the spirit during Sacrament Meeting.

This went on for many years. Even still, my son is 8, and I have to deal with his screaming tantrums in the middle of Sacrament Meeting. Just last Sunday, I had to sit in the parking lot with him for a good twenty minutes before he was ready to go back inside! It's much better now, though, then it was in those earlier years. His meltdowns aren't even weekly anymore. I do love that sweet, sweet boy. He saves me every day. Anyway, church was an incredible chore, every week. I did not enjoy it. And I would think, week after week, what is the point? The effort far exceeded the reward. My kids certainly weren't learning anything at church. I wasn't gaining any spiritual knowledge. I didn't have a single friend at church. My husband didn't help with the children (unless he stayed home with one of them). And it was just. so. pointless!

I asked my mom, why bother? It's too hard. Church is harder than it's worth-- why even try? I was at a breaking point. I was exhausted and frustrated that I was doing the right thing for nothing. I made an effort to be there each week, and I felt abandoned at church. I was supposed to enjoy church. I was supposed to learn and grow and feel the spirit. But that didn't happen, and I became a little resentful. I'm doing the right things! Why is this so hard? Anyway, when I asked my mom why should I even try, she said something to the effect that it was doing good; I just couldn't see it. She encouraged me to keep trying, keep going, and that even though the kids prevented me from learning much, it was still doing good. She said sometimes, we don't go to church for ourselves. Sometimes, we go for our children.

For some reason, I believed her. I believed that what I was doing week after week-- chasing my kids around the church halls, sitting in the car with my son during a meltdown, rocking a baby to sleep in the mother's lounge instead of enjoying a beautiful Relief Society message-- was going to somehow help them. Somehow it would show them, as little as they were, that church is important. However, I did not believe it was good for me. But I kept going. I kept going to church and not gaining any spiritual insights. And I thought it would never end. This was how it was going to be forever.

But I kept going.

Now, I look back with gratitude that I kept going. Even though I wasn't learning any spiritual truths, it kept me in the habit for when my children were older. Perhaps I would have become inactive had I quit then. It taught me patience with my sweet kids. It taught me that spiritual things are important enough to do even when it seems pointless. It taught my kids that church is important. Eventually, they even learned that you're supposed to be quiet at church! Years. For years, church was exceedingly difficult. And I wanted to quit every week. How grateful I am that I didn't quit! Dear Stephanie, thank you for not quitting!

It got better. Now, I look forward to church. I love it, and I get to listen, and I get to feel the Spirit, and I get to learn. And yes, my sweet boy sometimes has meltdowns, but it's so much better now.

Similarly, when I look back on how long it has taken me to climb out of this horrible pit of despair, this addcition; when I think of all those times I thought, why bother? What's the point? Why even try to give this up when I'll probably fall again? but got up again anyway, I want to thank myself! I thought it was hopeless. I didn't think I would ever get out. But I tried anyway. I repented anyway. I did it again, and again, and again, year after year after year. No matter how many times I fell, and no matter how long I stayed down, I always got back up. And that was my thing. I knew I'd always get back up, even though I couldn't see a permanent way out. Sometimes, I thought that I may as well stay down and surrender to the addiction. But I couldn't. Because there was my Father telling me "Don't you quit. It will get better. Do it for your children. Just keep going."

And this went on for years. Thank you, then-me, for not quitting! I would stand back up even while believing it was pointless, even while believing that it would never do me any good. I am so glad I did. I know now that each time I rose again led me to where I am now. And now, I see love in every day. I see hope in every waking moment.

It took me a while, and sometimes my Addict has meltdowns that I have to quiet. But it's so much better now.

Idleness

Today, I did almost nothing.

I don't have to go to work. I made a family schedule for the summer but I have chosen to not abide by it. I have never been an organized person- why start now? uugghhh I seriously cannot STAND myself when I'm like this! I hate today. I hate what I did with it- or, rather, what I didn't do with it.

On the other hand, it wasn't completely wasted. I laughed with my kids a bit, but mostly I was so disgusted with myself that I wasn't in a good mood, even with them. I did a few loads of laundry. I wrote a bit in my Moral Inventory. I looked for my cell phone which has been lost since Friday. I think I ate. And I watched three episodes of my favorite show: 24. Oh, wait, that's not productive. Ha.

This is an addiction, my tendency to avoid duty. I don't know what it is. I need to treat it like an addiction and recover from it, like I am doing with my sexual addiction. I tell myself just the same things I used to tell myself when I wanted to look at porn or do something sexually irresponsible, and when I was actually engaged in it. "I'll start doing better tomorrow." "I wish I wasn't doing this." "I can't stop." "This is how it's always been."

It's even triggered by the same things that trigger my sexual addictions: being overwhelmed (there's so much to do and I can't do it all so I may as well do nothing), being afraid, and feeling alone.

Well, isn't this familiar?

This is fantastic news, though, because it means I'm not beyond hope. I can become an organized, motivated woman! Just like I am now clean enough to carry a temple recommend. And the great thing is, since the symptoms are so similar, then maybe I know just how to overcome this.

Idleness is extreme selfishness. And it just feels so gross. I think about the sacrifices I have made in order to put off my natural, carnal state in order to find my spiritual state. I think of the things I have given up. None of them were easy at the time! Most notably, Pepsi. I gave it up. Most recently, I gave up singing karaoke in bars. That one still stings just a little bit because I love karaoke so much and the best place to do it is in bars. I went to mostly clean bars with mostly great people who sang mostly appropriate songs. And drinking was never a temptation for me. I just want to go and sing. Anyway, Heavenly Father put a bug in my ear to stop going to those. Fine.

I gave up watching Dr. Phil. I gave up talking about sex to my friends. I gave up using language that was purposefully even subtly suggestive. I gave up kissing men! I gave up negative thoughts that were dragging me down. I gave up seeking out inappropriate scenes in books and movies. I gave up a few friends.

My point is that sacrifice has been vital to my recovery, and I think sacrifice will be vital to my recovery from an idleness addiction. Sacrifice and work are partners, and work and idleness are enemies. I feel a resistance when I think of giving up idleness. I want to become someone who is honest and productive with her time. Actually, I take that back. I don't want to become such a person; I want to be such a person. Forget the process of becoming! I don't want to do the process!

Oh my goodness, this is exactly how I was thinking several months ago before I finally turned wholly to God, in regards to my sexual addiction! Like, exactly the same thing. I remember this. I remember the resistance, the denial, the fear, the size of the mountain before me seeming insurmountable. I remember the doubt! I remember the isolation. I remember all these feelings!

So weird.

One unfortunate thing about recovery is that you suddenly see a hundred other flaws in yourself. At least that happens to me. One beautiful thing about recovery is that you know how to fix it! You know to whom to turn. You know you can be healed. At least, I do.

The wonderful thing about this horrible, wasted day, is that I learned that even this wretched lifestyle of idleness is "treatable," if you will. Even this is covered by the Atonement. Even this weakness can be made a strength. I'll try again tomorrow, and I'll include God a little more, and just like before, I'll give him my heart piece by piece.

Hodgepodge

I have so much to write about that I did not know what to title this post. So we'll just go with it.

Wow! Okay. So, I guess first of all, today is June 4th! Eight years ago today I was sealed to my sweet angel babies! My ex husband was a convert and we weren't married in the temple. 2 years after our wedding, we got sealed in the temple, by which time we had a 17 month old and a 3 month old. So we took those sweet angels of mine and all became a forever family on June 4, 2005. I am so thankful to be able to be their mother, forever. How I love them.

Next. Tender mercies! Oh, they are abundant! This past week I have been so blessed. People have been taking care of me. Men in my ward are taking care of my embarrassing yard. Doing my lawn mowing and weed trimming, fixing my sprinklers, and etc. It's so good to be cared about! Also, I am writing a novel this Summer, and an acquaintance told me she has actually written a book before, and offered to be my editor as well as show me the ropes of self publishing on Amazon! I do love Tender Mercies. God is so kind. As usual, He has also been encouraging me and confirming to me when I'm doing the right thing all week long. And let's not forget the temple recommend. Oh, sweet mercy!

Tonight was my PASG meeting. Ever since Annette from Standing in Holier Places started attending, I haven't been the only woman who goes! She actually managed to round up two more women, so now we either have three or four women in attendance each week. It's kinda fun not being the only one anymore. I love our meetings. I always feel the spirit and I always learn something. What good, good men we have in our group!

However, tonight was a little different. The high council member over the ARP was visiting on assignment. Well . . . he is in my ward. He is one of the men who helped me with my sprinklers! When I saw him, my first impulse was to not say a word. No sharing. He couldn't know a thing if I didn't share; he could only assume. But, then I remembered that I am trying so hard to identify with the word "courage," and also that soon, I'll be telling anyone about this addiction of mine. And one I made the decision to share, I didn't even fear anymore. Let him think what he will think. Besides, he is a good man, and I know he will still be respectful with me.

And finally, our last item of business. Tonight, I set up a date and time to complete Step 5! I asked my friend to help me accomplish step 5. She agreed. I can't believe I'm going to do Step 5! I can't imagine anything more difficult in regards to recovery! Seriously. It will begin next Monday at 8:30 pm. She will come over to my house and listen.

I chose this particular woman because she doesn't have a judgmental bone in her body. There are things in my inventory that will never, ever make it to this blog. There are things that are shocking, and things that still bring me shame. There are things that I have only told my bishop, and will never tell a soul again after I complete step 5. She will know my every last secret. She and I aren't super close, but I trust her more than any woman I can think of. She hasn't actually done step 5, or worked the program, and I think that will be helpful to me, actually. Because I won't worry so much that I've done it wrong. With someone who has completed the program, I know I'll wonder if I did it the right way and if they'll judge me because of my format and method. Now, I know that is a ridiculous and needless fear, but I'm honestly quite relieved that I won't have to worry about that with this friend. Anyway. She's perfect for the job. I'm nervous, but I'm eager to get it done. I know that she might be surprised about some of the things I'll confess, but I also know that she will continue to love and respect me, regardless.

I feel like I'm really progressing here. I feel like I'm going to make it. Jesus has carried me thus far, and I know He'll not abandon me now!

Reinforcements; Man Trouble

Every day for the next ten days, I'm going to write here. I'm going to keep myself accountable until I can finally go to the temple. I can't meet with my stake presidency member to sign my recommend until a week from tomorrow night. It seems like such a loooong time! I believe Satan will do what he does best during that time, in hopes to keep me out of the temple.

Well, I've got news for him. Nothing will keep me from the temple! And to make sure, I'm going to take extra precautions, such as keeping a daily accountability here for the next nine days.

I'm feeling some fears creep in. Not about the addiction, but about life. I have learned that fear is dangerous, regardless of its form. So I'm going to give voice to those fears here.

I'm afraid I'll never remarry. There's this guy I have had a crush on for over 18 months. I believe this is the healthiest crush I have ever had. I don't want to kiss him. I don't want to cuddle with him. I just want to know him. I admire him immensely. I admire his deeply founded morals, his intelligence, his humor, his talents. We have talked a little and spent a little bit of time together over the past six months, and he is aware that I dig him. But I have no idea how he feels about me. Well I saw him with another girl the other night and it was painful. They were talking and laughing and being together. It's difficult for me to even admit that, because, I'm thinking, it shouldn't be painful! He is nothing to me! He is not my boyfriend. He is not my husband. It doesn't matter in the least whom he chooses to sit with. I was very surprised that it affected me as much as it did. I have always thought it wouldn't matter to me if he started dating someone who wasn't me.

So, I cried. I admit it! I cried! All the while I'm scolding myself. I shouldn't think this way. It shouldn't matter to me. Of course she likes him; he's the best guy around. She is pretty and outgoing and he needs someone outgoing. But it doesn't matter. Oh my gosh, why am I crying?!? This is so stupid! IT DOESN'T MATTER! I'm so stupid for feeling this way! And I tried to shut up my own feelings, as has been my custom for the past-- oh, I don't know-- lifetime.

But, I can't do that. I have to let my feelings live, no matter how stupid I think they are. They're not stupid anyway, because they're my feelings. So I have been trying to tell myself that it's okay to feel the way I feel about this. 18 months is a long time to have the same crush. I know him quite well, and everything I know about him, I want in a husband. Besides that, he's the only single, LDS man near my age around here that I know of who fits more than two or three of my requirements for a future husband. I like him so much. And I respect him a great deal. And if he gets snatched up by another woman, it seriously seems like I'll die an old maid. No one else around here fits the bill! I need to move to Utah.... haha.

And that's the real reason it upset me. I don't want to die alone. I don't want to be single my whole life. Even though it's likely not true, this guy disappearing from my view would reasonably make it appear that there is no one else for me. I'm not saying he's "for me." I'm saying I don't know of anyone else who possibly could be. My vision is finite, though. But, anyway, it makes sense, kindof, when I think of it like that. In my mind, he represented the only current chance I have at ever finding a healthy relationship/marriage. And then he's off with another woman who is awesome and probably not a sex addict and is much more aggressive than I'll ever be... And there it goes. My last chance.

Man, I'm so glad I wrote that out! Of course he's not my last chance! He is a wonderful man, and I still hope he and I have a chance together, and that's okay. But.... my feelings count, and I'll be alright.

Dear Stephanie,
I'm sorry that happened to you. I know that must have been difficult. It's so hard to be single with kids who don't know what a healthy marriage looks like. It's so hard to have no one to come home to, and no one to come home to you. It's hard. And of course you felt sad when you saw him with that really cool girl. He's a great guy and worthy of your admiration and of your hope. But that doesn't mean he's the only one. God knows exactly where you are right now. He'll listen.

Love, Stephanie.

There. I can be my own friend now- one of the best tools recovery has given me. :D

Another fear I have is that my decision to homeschool my kids next school year was really stupid. Even as I write that, I balk. I don't wanna talk about it. I want to deny it. But, no, I will expose it so I can understand it. I probably haven't written that here- that I intend to homeschool my children. There are many reasons for my choice, and this is not the forum to explain those reasons. But, I quit my job. My plans for income include writing a successful novel. The chances of success from my first novel are slim, yes, but... I think I have something good, here. I think it will be successful. I need it to be, so I can support my family while staying home with them. But what if it's not?

I came to this decision to homeschool my kids after much ponder and prayer. I believe it is right for my family. I cannot, in good conscience, send them back to a public school after learning how the system works. I worked at a school till the end of the year a few weeks ago, and I just can't let them go back. I just can't. I have said I would rather live in a cardboard box and educate my kids myself than live in luxury and send them to a public school. That is how strongly I feel about it. Except, I do NOT want to live in a cardboard box. I don't want to lose what I already have. And, though I started out this summer with extreme confidence, it is already wavering. "What if?" keeps bugging my brain. What if it doesn't work? I'll be out of a job.

But. I'll be okay! DUH! I'm so glad I wrote this. This post, I'm sure, is waaaay more for me than for any of my readers, but I appreciate you reading, anyway. I hope someone else found some value to it.

No matter what, I'll be okay. I know in Whom I have trusted.

MY Temple Recommend

Today I went to see my bishop, as I do biweekly. Today, though, was different. It was my temple recommend interview.

I fasted. I prayed to know that I was worthy. I asked Heavenly Father to please bring to my remembrance any sin that I have failed to confess. I do not want to enter those doors with a trace of unworthiness.

I eagerly sat in the chair facing my bishop in his office. He asked if there'd been any issues in the past two weeks. I told him about the time my Addict nearly won, and he agreed it was nothing in itself that would jeopardize my worthiness. And then he said, teasing, "Now, I think you might be here for something special today?"

"I haven't forgotten!" I responded.

"I bet you haven't," he smiled. And he began.

You know what I love about the questions? They're all present-tense. "Do you. . . ?" Not "Have you always. . . ?" not "How long has it been since you. . . ?" It's "Do you?" Now. Do you now. Yes. I could honestly and confidently answer each yes-needing "do you" question with a yes. I felt good about it. I feel right about it.

"Do you feel worthy. . . ?"

"Yes."

I do. I feel like I keep my covenants. I feel like I am obedient. I feel like I have finally grasped firmly to the iron rod, and as long as I don't let go, Satan cannot conquer me!

My bishop smiled as he signed my recommend. I smiled and maybe cried a little as I signed my temple recommend. He told me "congratulations!" and I released more tears. He tore out my recommend and we both stood. He shook my hand, handed me the most beautiful little piece of paper I have ever seen, and we walked to the door. I walked out feeling like a new woman. I kept staring down at my recommend. When I left the church building the dam broke, and my face drowned in tears. I slowly brought my recommend to my heart, feeling its sacredness. It feels so sacred. I got into my car and stared more, sobbing now openly, thanking my God for bringing me here. He confirmed to my heart that this was right. That I had done my part to earn this, but that I could never earn it, and that His Son had taken me the rest of the way. It feels so wonderful!

I put the recommend on the passenger seat, and just kept touching it. It feels powerful. It feels real. It feels incredible.

Nine more days till the next stake presidency signing. It seems so far! I can't wait! But I will. And Satan will try to bring me down, but I've got Jesus, and I'll be fine.

This is the best day of my life.