Observations

I like that I'm not letting this last set back destroy me. I think there's a balance you must maintain. I don't think I'm there yet. You have to be sufficiently sorry for your mistakes, but you can't let it destroy you, or what's a Savior for? On the other hand, you can't go on thinking you're just fine, thinking mistakes don't really matter because we have Jesus. That's pride, and that's another sin. So there's a balance. There's a medium. That's rough. All I know is, right now, I'm working on not letting it get the best of me, literally. I'm not letting this mistake take over everything about me that's good. I'm not letting myself become discouraged, because discouragement is a breeding ground for sin. So, rather than waiting for a time in misery before turning back to God; in essence, I'm turning back to Him right away. And I think that's appropriate. I just hope I'm not going over that balance area into the other side of not taking grownup responsibility for my behavior.

I did go see a counselor the other week. It was an enlightening experience, but I'm not going back. At least not to her. She did tell me that I'm not actually addicted. And.... there might be truth to that. I don't need porn. So, I think she's right that I'm not addicted to pornography. I do believe, however, that I'm addicted to the feeling. When I do overcome this once and for all, the withdrawals I'll face won't be over pornography, but over that feeling it enhances. This little bit of info is encouraging because it makes overcoming porn easier. Less overwhelming. More attainable.

I wonder if that makes sense to the common outsider.

So, what I need to do is eliminate pornography (duh!) and see what happens. Will I create my own mental scenarios? Yes. So what's the difference? I think that while mental "fantasies" (I put it in quotes because I hate that word. And I'm ashamed to think of my thoughts in that way. But I guess that's what it is, really) ultimately create the same atmosphere, I'm not actually victimizing any people. Besides that, when I'm looking at porn, everything is accelerated. By resorting to my imagination, I'll be forced to slow down, which may possibly, and very likely, win the mental battle, that "I should not be doing this, I wish I wasn't doing this, I need to stop doing this-- oh it's too late. I'm already in it." That thought process will be longer, and different, and I'd find more success I think. Rather than "It's too late, I'm already here," it just may be "time to think about something else. Now." and it will be simply a matter of changing the mental channel. Viewing someone else's creation of porn doesn't allow for that as much. It's too scintillating. It's kinda like a horrible train wreck. Horrifying, but hard to look away.

This is fascinating. I'm learning all this stuff WHILE I'm typing here, and it makes a lot of sense, and I think I'm right.

Creating a new me is like inventing something new. An inventor, if s/he wants to be successful, never gives up after failure. They just try something new until they reach the desired product. So, it's time to try something new.

I'm going to try an experiment. I'm taking my computer down today. I'm packing it away for a few weeks. I want to know if I'll still screw up my life with mental images or if that's all I'll really need to overcome this. Because I never seek for porn outside of the internet in my own home. I don't see myself ever doing that.

I'll report in a few weeks. I wish my reader(s) a very wonderful 2011!

However

It seems that whenever I acknowledge that I'm doing well, that's when I stop doing well. There has to be a way to NOT do that.

But this time I'm not going to be discouraged. This time I'm going to keep moving forward, almost as if nothing happened. I'm still going to properly repent but I'm not going to let this get me so down that I lose focus entirely.

I'm so mad at myself though.

Merry Christmas

For unto us a child is born! For unto Erin a Son is given!

I love this time of year. I love how the world, even when it evades every thought of Jesus Christ, must think of Him now, for His name is in this holiday's name. Even when people write "Xmas," IF they are doing it to purposefully cross out the name of Jesus, they think of Him when they do so. (Though, I don't think that's the case... I think most use it simply as a legitimate shortcut to writing out "Christmas." I, myself, knowing 'X' is the Greek letter for "Chi" and therefore became a symbol of Christ's very title, have no problem with Xmas.)

Pardon my tangent.

I wonder if all these thoughts on Jesus' name is partly what makes this time of year so wonderful. So many people all thinking of Jesus at once - even if briefly, even if accidentally, even if grudgingly - must do SOME good, right?

I have had a wonderful day. This week was rough because I didn't have my kids. They were with their father from Monday to yesterday night. I was lonely. But I was prepared. I knew it would be difficult. I knew I would have a hard time being alone so long, and I'm always sad when my kids aren't with me. And I know that sadness + loneliness = Erin's guard dropping, often. So I made sure to study my scriptures and pray sincerely and not spend a lot of time at home in the evening and not spend a lot of time on the computer. And I made it through! I'm so grateful! I feel so much better right now than I would have if I'd opened myself to temptation. But I remained closed to it. And I feel great.

Right now, even though my kids are home, I do feel a bit tempted. But it's Christmas Day, Reader, and I just couldn't do something so awful on Christmas Day. Well, I won't. I guess I could.

One problem for me is I forget. I fail to hold in remembrance things that are so important. But, I realized today that I know how to do this. I know how to retain things in remembrance. I'm always so extremely grateful for my health, and for the health of my kids. I constantly think on children who have cancer, on women who have horrible diseases, on people in general who have to suffer through pain and misery all the time because of their poor health, due to no fault of their own. And I am so very grateful that I am not currently in such a situation. I am profoundly grateful for the use of all my limbs, my senses, my mind; and for that of my children. And I know that it may not always be so. We may wake one morning and one of us may lose use of something. One of us may, at any time, become a severely disabled human being. But, we are very healthy now . . . and I am always grateful for that. And I tell my kids that they're so lucky, and I tell my kids about other kids that have cancer and other sicknesses and physical disabilities, and I even remind them that some kids just get mildly sick frequently, and how lucky are we that, so far, we only get a little bit sick once or twice a year. I am truly grateful for my health.

So, if I can remember that, all the time, then why can't I remember how sick I feel after I participate in sins involving pornography, until I'm THERE again? Why don't I bring to remembrance all the time the Sacrifice Jesus suffered for me, and therefore avoid hurting Him? Why do I not recall how beautiful it feels to be wrapped up tightly in the love of the Father, which feeling I get when I am walking in His path?

I'm going to try something. Whenever I reflect upon my good fortune in regards to the health of my family, I'm going to think about Jesus' love for me, and I'm going to remember how I don't want to disappoint Him anymore. And I'll take that moment to resolve again to match my will with His. And I'll take that moment to reflect on how beautiful it is to walk in righteousness, as well as in health. And this won't even be much of a stretch because when I'm contemplating how sweet it is to be strong in mind and body, my thoughts inevitably reach upward anyway, for I know from Whom those blessings come.

Lately, I keep coming across an interesting word in my scripture study. The word is an adverb "circumspectly," and is usually proceeded by the verb "walk." Usually something like "they must walk circumspectly to gain true happiness" or "because they did not walk circumspectly their lives sucked" or some such thing. So I looked up this word. From dictionary.com:

cir·cum·spect
   [sur-kuhm-spekt]
–adjective
1. watchful and discreet; cautious; prudent: circumspect behavior.
2. well-considered: circumspect ambition.

—Synonyms
1. careful, vigilant, guarded.

—Antonyms
1. careless, indiscreet.

I don't do this. I don't walk circumspectly. One could scarcely run circumspectly. I kinda get the feel of deliberation. To walk circumspectly, I need to be deliberate. Considerate. Careful. Vigilant and guarded.

I'm not there, but I think I'm moving in the right direction. I think my little "remember" exercise may help me become a little more deliberate. I hope so anyway.

God bless you on this Christmas Day and always!

Update

Well it's been a very busy time! But, busy is good. Busy is very good. I've been doing well. I finally talked to my bishop. I didn't give him the letter. He didn't seem interested in reading it. I was certain I couldn't TELL him what I'd done, but he encouraged me and made it safe and I finally told him. I love that man. SO much.

I wish I'd posted earlier. I wanted to remember some things he said. We talked on Sunday, almost a week ago. And I really wish I'd written down the things we talked about.

Oh, I know one thing he suggested. He wanted me to have a conversation with myself, as if I were my bishop. What would I tell me? Here's what I would tell me.

Erin, you are better than you think you are. You are doing a better job than you think. You're a good mom. Your kids adore you and respect you. You know what it's like to have kids; unpredictable. There's no way to know when one of your kids will wake and wander to where you are when you're engaged in inappropriate activities. THEN what would you do? The porn has to go, for good. Yours is a situation where you NEED to have the channels to God open and clear, for revelation. What if you need to protect your children when they're not with you? You won't be able to hear or understand the quiet whispers of God's warnings if you are drenched in sin.

I know you get discouraged. I know you feel, sometimes, that no one cares. I know you lose hope for the future. You have to stop giving into those lies, and you KNOW they're lies! God loves you so much. He would do anything that you let Him do. Let Him lead you Home. I know you can conquer this, Erin. I know you will. You know you will. Now you only have to choose when. How long are you going to hang on? No one can make that choice but you, please make that choice.

Those small areas of spirituality are what will save you. Study the scriptures. Pray with real intent. Learn of the Savior. The more you learn to love yourself, the more you will love Jesus, and the more you love Him, the better you will serve Him.

This path will be difficult, but you can do hard things. And, on this path, you will find peace, even on a journey whose destination IS peace, you will find peace. You will find joy in the journey, and satisfaction. Enjoy this path, this difficult, sometimes seemingly impossible path. Seek joy while changing, and you will find it.

-something like that.

Today I am filled with hope.

Turning Back

After a few weeks of wandering around in anxious misery, I've decided to return to the Lord. We all knew this was going to happen anyway. But, I was nervous. I hate that conversation that I know so well, the one that goes something like "Here I am. Again. I've been here so many times before, and my words, I know, are familiar and exhausted. I'm sorry. So, so, so sorry." Malachi 3:7- "return unto me and I will return unto you." I wanted the Lord back in my heart. I wanted peace again. So I turned around. AGAIN. But I feel much better now. I feel like He's on my side again. I know He's not the one who left. But I'm returning to Him, and as per His promise, He is returning to me.

Let's keep it that way this time.

Confession

I have written a lengthy letter of confession to my bishop. There are so many things my tongue won't permit me to speak. I hope this unorthodox method is acceptable to the Lord. I also hope this confession doesn't result in official discipline. But. Come what may.

Church

started 30 minutes ago. I am here, home, typing up a blog post. It's Fast and Testimony Meeting. Don't really want to hear the testimonies of people who don't sin as much as I do.
But I know that's a stupid lie. Well, not a lie, maybe, but a stupid reason to not go. Actually, the thought of going to church fills my soul with such great anxiety and dread, and I feel almost as though I simply cannot attend.
I'm going though. Now. Largely because I have a Sunday calling.

Just when I'm about to say to myself, forget it; there's no point in going, I counter with what I would tell someone else in my shoes. I would tell her to go. I would tell her God wants her there, and that God wants her back Home with Him. I would tell her there's no better place right now to receive the spiritual enlightenment that she so desperately needs right now. I would tell her go and find some peace.

But... I couldn't very well tell her that if I'd stayed home when I was in the same place.

I'm late. But I'm going. Goodbye.

Honest

I must be honest with myself. I must accept my responsibility. The reason I've fallen these past few times is because I've gone back to spiritual laziness. I've begun to neglect faithful scripture study.

Remarkable to me is the power the Scriptures hold. When I am devouring the Word, I find much more protection.

Remember how excited I was that the Scriptures were coming to life for me? Well... that stopped happening one day, all of a sudden. Every day for several consecutive days, I received some sort of revelation during scripture study, and then, it stopped. I thought, well, it can't be special every day. But, the next day was the same. Nothin. Just plain ol' silly war stories. Nothin to apply to me. So I thought, okay, so those first several days were just a great streak. Now, this doesn't apply to me but I'll keep reading anyway. Same thing the next day. Then the Scriptures got boring. And I quit reading with intent.

Maybe it's true that some days' readings will impact me more than others'. But, I don't think there should ever be a day when I can't find something that would apply to me. I should have looked harder.

I haven't made an appointment with the bishop. Tithing settlements are going on, and anyway I'm just terrified to talk to him about what I've done.

Fail

extra stress + extra weariness + spiritual carelessness + habitual force = fail.

Failure = discouragement = self-abhorrence = depression.

Depression = failure.

One Baby Step

Well I finally got myself an appointment with a counselor. My first appointment is in 2 weeks. I am actually looking forward to it, a little. I really need help, I need to figure out what is in my brain that is driving me to this repetition of self destruction. I have a lot of childhood issues I need to talk to someone about. My childhood was mostly great with a few dark, dark points. I've hidden those points in the cobwebbed corners of my consciousness because I'd convinced myself they don't matter. Now, I'm starting to believe otherwise. Maybe they do matter. Maybe my feelings do count.

Even if those events have nothing or little to do with my addiction (though they seem like they just may be directly related), it'll be helpful in other ways to work them out I think.

I'm also very nervous. I was so nervous walking in today and making the appointment. I blurted out some speedy introduction (I'll tell you exactly what it was: "I'm a relatively normal person with issues I'd like to work out. Do you offer services for people like me?" it was really fast) and said many stupid things in effort to hide my embarrassment, but as a result, only enhanced it. Luckily, the place I went had no openings in that site, but plenty at another site, so I may never have to see that kind receptionist again.

So that part is over. I think my initial appointment will be difficult. But talking to strangers is easier for me than talking to people I love, at least about heavy issues, so it may not be so bad. I hope I only need it a few weeks.

I hope, with all my heart, that it helps.

anxiety

I'm still carrying that rock in the pit of my stomach from the last time I ran to the camp of the enemy. I feel so sick. I look at the picture of Jesus at my computer and I feel so sick. I'm sorry for what I've done to You. Even though this always happens, I'm sorry. Even though I've said it before, I'm sorry.

I really don't want to be on time to church today. I just can't believe last Sunday's experience wasn't enough to inspire good behavior. I didn't even think about it though.

It's a massive stone taking up space in my stomach and its releasing a poison through my blood veins through my entire body. And I don't know if I can even talk to my bishop this time. I mean, I will. I know I will; I always do. It's just so much worse this time and I have a little something more to confess that I'd rather not. Ever. To anyone.

I need this out of my life.

On Friendship, and Preparation

Proverbs 27:9 Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man’s friend by hearty counsel.

I'm not a friendly person. I take that back. I'm sufficiently friendly. I'm even nice. I'm just not all that personable. I have one good friend, and I'm happy with that. I love her with all my heart, and she is there for me. But . . . she doesn't know about this. It's embarrassing, you know. I've never been the social type. I don't enjoy the journey of making friends. And so, I have very few. The bad thing about that is, I don't have a lot of people to talk to about important things. I'm learning that friendship is important. Relationships are vital. And I'm missing out.

Though I wouldn't delegate him a friend in the way we think of most friends, the above verse applies at this time to a mostly-stranger, but someone who is, because of his "hearty counsel," a dear friend. Here's something he told me today, something that applies to each of you who are reading or ever will read this blog: "You are a choice [child] of God, as such, you are worth so much more than this world has to offer in the ways of joy and happiness, sullied or pure."

He's right. I am worth more than the world's pitiful offerings. I'm God's daughter. Even in the depths, in the rusted chains, of sin, I have great worth. If I could just see that all the time, perhaps, as this friend suggested in a comment, I wouldn't feel the need to treat myself like a worthless particle by participating in vile, destructive behavior.

It's hard to see that worth though, when, as a child, I was shunned by my peers. When, as a child, my feelings were meaningless to my parents, as was evident to me, the child, when I was promptly scolded simply for crying. It's hard to see that worth when, as a youth, only some emotions were ok. Like when someone died, I could be sad. But, even then, I scarcely dared cry in the presence of my parents, or siblings- not for fear of how they'd react, but for fear of how they wouldn't react. I remember at my grandpa's funeral, I was 18, and I was shattered. All my tears had to be so private. And I remember as my cousin passed my grandfather's dead body, she had a public little meltdown. And I was so embarrassed and afraid for her, but then her mom, my aunt, scooped her into her breast and whispered compassionately in her ear, and I was so jealous that it was okay for her to feel however she felt. I've never had the compassionate arm of a parent wrapped around me.

But, that was childhood. I should be over that. Then I got married. And when I cried, he yelled. Or laughed. Or simply ignored. So I stopped crying. Even my best friend aforementioned has never seen me cry. And I'm a girl! :)

I have never been allowed to feel. My feelings have never counted. Never mattered. And so, yeah, it's hard to see that worth in me.

I intended for this to be a short post. Haha. Guess I had more to say than I thought.

And so, friendship is hard to come by; I've been trained all these years to hide and ignore my own emotions. But now I see how much I'm missing. If I had the encouragement of friends, close friends, I could beat this. I mean, I will anyway, with or without, but thanks to the hearty counsel of this commenter, I am learning how sweet it is to have someone rooting for you, someone who's not mocking me for feeling. Friend, I thank you.

And on Preparation:
I'm like the Lamanites in Alma 58. There were tons of 'em. They outnumbered the Nephites by a lot. They wanted to overtake some cities and kill some Nephites and they thought they had this one in the bag. The Nephite warriors were starving. The government had not been keeping up on provisions. So, not only were they fewer in number than the Lamanites, they were also weak. The Lamanites had all the food they could possibly need. So the Nephite leaders prayed. And they were assured that the Lord would, yet again, deliver them. They tricked the Lamanites and defeated them. Twice, really. The first time, the Lamanites were like, mah, it's a fluke. We'll get 'em tomorrow. But they were tricked again.

The Lamanites weren't prepared. They assumed that it would be an easy win. Easy. They assumed that they were ok. They didn't prepare, because a lion doesn't have to prepare to defeat a mouse, you know? The Nephites, on the other hand, despite their glaringly obvious disadvantage, prepared for war. They knew they were severely outnumbered. They knew the Lamanites had strength and energy from food. Yet, they prepared, as if they could be saved, regardless of the unlikelihood, nay, the very impossibility, of such a victory.

I hated these boring war stories in the Book of Mormon till this year.

I want to be the Nephites. I want to go against my enemy and his legions as if I can. I want to go against the sin in my face, with all its power, against all my weakness, as if I can conquer it. I want to prepare for this war as if I can win it. Because I can, I already know I can. It's just that I doubt it every so often, because I don't always remember that I'm worth the fight it will take to get me through, to get me past the overwhelming odds against me.

But I'm tired of being the Lamanites, who don't prepare because they think they're good enough, who don't rely on the Lord because they think they're good enough.

I just now saw that contradiction. I do forget to rely on the Lord because I start to believe I'm ok. At the same time, I rarely believe I'm good enough.

Yeah, I don't get it either. Anyway. I'm still pretty put out about this last incident. It was worse than usual, much worse. I slapped my Savior across the face with this one. Here's hoping it was that "rock bottom" where people turn around for good.

liar

that's me. happy thankgsiving to me. maybe it's just too hard. maybe i'll never get it. maybe i'm only pretending to try. maybe i'd be happier if i just gave up.

i don't believe any of that.

maybe i will conquer. so. in case that's true, i'll keep trying i think.

i just want to die today. my son said he dreamed we were in a star wars wii game and he stabbed me. i kinda want to be stabbed.

very honestly, i used to cut myself. i told you i'm a mess. i severely lack coping skills. it was a habit of sorts. whenever i felt anxiety i'd release it through the breaking of my skin. it wasn't as bad as some of those people you hear about cutting their wrists. i would barely barely break the skin and just release only a little bit of blood. but it worked. but anyway i was addicted. and i haven't done it in years. and i am 99% certain i will never do it again.

that sad story gives me hope. but right now i don't deserve hope.

i am low now, so low, sick, despicable. and yet, from my God, all I feel is love. Distance, yes, because of the fact I just ran from Him full speed into the darkness of our enemy. But love.

God forgive me, God forgive me, God forgive me! Again.

Here and Now

The temptation is real. Right now. I will not yield.

I've now given my word the world, though only a few will ever know it. I will NOT yield!

Conference Talk

I was just reading "Cleansing the Inner Vessel," a talk by Pres. Boyd K Packer from this last conference. This very talk is the one the caused all the controversy and managed to get dear Pres. Packer labeled a "bully."

Well. This talk is inspiring. Very. But I have some questions about it. Pres. Packer says the Priesthood can heal those who are entangled in sins of immorality, specifically pornography. Is this limited to those who hold the Power? For example: "Priesthood holders carry with them the antidote to remove the terrible images of pornography and to wash away guilt." The part I'm interested in is where it says "remove the terrible images of pornography." How literally is this to be taken? Remove the images from where? Our minds? I've held pornographic images in my mind for, like, a decade. I'm not saying I remember every image I've ever seen; I certainly don't. But many of them never go away. And then they appear in before my consciousness of a sudden, and uninvited, and I hate them! I feel the shame of my sin when I see them during a clean time. Sometimes, they serve as a temptation. Sometimes, as a reminder of who I have become. Sometimes, I am so sickened that I have partaken in this great evil-- the people in these "images" are PEOPLE. They are children of God. And look what they're doing to themselves! It makes me so sad. What must have happened in their lives to inspire them to advertise their bodies in this way? And I know I am no better. I perpetuate it. I am a reason they treat their bodies and spirits so disrespectfully. Shoot, I treat their bodies the same way.

These people have parents. Some have kids. They're people. I'm so sad for them. I'm aware of that striking contradiction. I don't understand how I worry for their souls but I support their damnation.

Anyway. Those images I always thought I would never be able to fully expel. But, here, Pres. Packer is saying those images can be removed. Does he mean from our minds, memories? I WANT THAT! How do I get that? He said "Priesthood holders carry with them the antidote . . ." but what about us women? Can we share in that antidote? How do we get it? I'm not just going to ask a Priesthood Holder if he'll remove the pornographic images from my memory.

But what a great tool that would be, to have those memories banished! Really, how literally is this statement to be taken?

Also: "If one is obedient, the priesthood can show how to break a habit and even erase an addiction." Again, there is no HOW. I know that I have as much right to Priesthood power as any man. I know that. I have seen its effects in my life and I know its power is not limited to men. But what I don't know, is HOW can the Priesthood show ME how to break a habit and erase an addiction. Erase an addiction! Erase it, like an eraser erases pencils markings? So it's totally gone? Forever?

I must know, how can the Priesthood do this for me?

The Sacrament

So remember that last time I screwed up? Well, I still haven't talked to my bishop about it. To be very honest, I have no idea if I'm supposed to talk to him every single time. But I usually do. I feel like I'm not fully repenting if I'm not confessing. So, generally, I withhold from the Sacrament until I've confessed, and sometimes even after depending on how I feel and what he says.

Usually, I'm late on purpose, so I can miss the passing of the sacred emblems. Or, if I'm feeling the need to be on time, I get there on time but I sit somewhere where it's easier to pass on the Sacrament, like maybe in the foyer if I don't have the kids, or on a smaller pew where people will scarcely notice whether I partake or not.

I admit these things with shame. It doesn't matter what man thinks. Only what God thinks. It doesn't matter if Bro. Jones sees my refusal of the Bread and Water and assumes instantly that I'm a whore. It doesn't matter if Sis. Jackson sees my refusal and assumes that I must be a horrible mother. For one, ours is a kind and merciful church, and these scenarios are so unlikely. Also, even if it was likely, what they think doesn't matter. And I know this. And usually, I accept it.

But, usually, I'm squeezed somewhere between pews and people.

Today, I was a little late, but not late enough to have missed the Sacrament. I peeked into the chapel during the announcements and found a spot in the 2nd pew. I thought I could handle that during the sacrament, except it was right by Sis. Peck and I did NOT want her of all people to notice my unworthiness. But there was another spot behind her. I don't have my kids this weekend so it's just me. So I went to sit behind her, but when I got there I noticed all the remaining space was filled with books and stuff, probably to save it for the rest of a family. So I resigned to sitting next to Sis. Peck. But I found the same next to her. Well the entire front pew was empty. But there I sat, in the empty front pew, directly in view of the primary president who was sitting on the stand(today was the primary program and I am a primary teacher). She smiled at me.

The announcements were done and we were singing the Sacrament Hymn. I almost took off. I thought I would just to sit in the foyer till the Sacrament was over. I felt so exposed! Everyone would notice! I'd be one of the first people to be offered the Sacrament, and I'd certainly be the first to reject it. The humiliation was overwhelming. Every time I don't partake, I'm embarrassed. I'm sad that my actions have led to this consequence. But, never do I remember the humiliation I felt today.

During the hymn, so many things went through my mind. I should just leave. Maybe I should just take the sacrament this time so Sis. Primary President doesn't think I'm an unworthy teacher. Yeah, maybe I'm okay taking the bread and water this time. Maybe I don't have to confess every time. I know I want the Spirit with me and that I can remember Jesus through the week- maybe I'll just take it this time. No, I can't, so I have to go, but, I have to go up to the stand right after the Sacrament anyway for the primary program.

I wanted to disappear.

I did wonder at that time, why I was letting the fear of others' judgment get to me. I worry that their perception of me matters more to me than God's. I told myself, my salvation is NOT in their hands, but in God's. And come what may, I am not worthy today to partake of the flesh and blood of my Savior. And that's what's important. My worthiness, nay, my lack thereof. Not my spiritual appearance, but my actual spiritual health.

And so, when the sweet deacon offered me the trays, I put my head down and my open palm up toward the trays that represented my Savior's offering to me, the offering for which I'd previously shown Him I'm unprepared, and thereby of which I am unworthy. And I quietly wept with so much shame. Shame for my sins. Shame that I was perhaps more embarrassed to be avoiding the Sacrament with eyes on me than I was to have sinned in the first place.

The Sacrament is personal. My attitude, not my actions, made it public. I hope that makes sense.

After I'd made my decision to not partake unworthily, the Lord worked on my thoughts a little, I think. I began to realize that while my ward is awesome, and I love them, I'm just passing through here. These people, most of them, will step out of my life at some point, and I out of theirs, in just the natural courses of lives. Not that they don't mean anything, but we're all just passing through. God is the greater goal. In one year, ten years, a hundred years, the thoughts and possible judgments of those around me on Nov 21 2010 simply won't matter. I'm just passing through.

Even so, passing up the offering of the Sacrament will never be pleasant, and it never should be. It will never and should never be easy. I think I had become a little too comfortable with it, and so for today, I thank my God for allowing me to be in a place so uncomfortable and humiliating and exposed to remind me that being unworthy of this gift is uncomfortable and humiliating, and that I should be so ashamed, but in the presence of God.

It was horrible! It was an awful experience, and I'm so grateful for it, and I hope and pray that I remember it, that I remember the feelings that overcame me then, when I'm faced with desires that may overcome me. I never want to repeat what happened today. I never want to be unworthy of the Sacrament again.

Next week, I'll be worthy. And the week after, and the week after, and the week after. All through December, I'll be worthy. It'll be my Christmas present to Jesus.

Almost

Tonight, just a bit ago, I almost gave in. The temptation surprised me. I had a great day. I had a really great day. Everything went so smoothly at work, and at my kids' schools, and we all had a wonderful evening together. The attacks on my spirit aren't as prevalent on good days. So, yeah, it took me by surprise.

I wanted it so bad. OH MY GOODNESS. The desires were eating at my flesh. It was like an itch, one of those really bad, biting, instant itches that you have to scratch right away.

But. I didn't scratch. Actually, let's put it this way. I started to scratch, but only for a tiny moment, and not nearly enough to satisfy the urgent itch.

But then I remembered "I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say. But when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise." I haven't recalled that verse in quite a while. But it repeated in my head, competing with the images I wanted to see and the feelings I wanted to feel. I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say. I also remembered how I want to worthily partake of the Sacrament. I also remembered the recent encouragement of a new friend. All these things to compete with my flesh.

Then I cried, and prayed the itch away. As soon as I called out to my Father, he was there. The more I asked for His help, the stronger I became.

Why does He want to save me? I mean.... I guess I know why. "This is my work and my glory . . ." etc. I guess I don't really know what I'm asking. I'm astonished at His long-suffering. I stand all amazed at His love! He was there. He was there as soon as I called. He took away that itch and replaced it with a reminder of who I seek to become.

I must really mean something to Him.

When I think of how close I came to failing my goal of making it through the year (and month, even!!), I'm crestfallen. But when I think of how my Savior Saved me after I'd jumped into the pit I'd dug myself, I rejoice.

I must really mean something to Him.

Welcome

I have a follower.

I'm at once flattered and concerned. I was enjoying the probability that no one ever reads this. I think I kinda hoped I wouldn't have any readers till I've won the war!

But, then, the war won't be won till I'm dead.

So. Welcome, follower. May you follow my blog only, and not my example. (And may you discover that I'm not a creepy blog-stalker, since I know my blog-stalking is how you found me.)

And yet....

I was wrong.

The cloud came. The darkness flooded. I failed to put on the armor of God.

O, God! O my Father! When wilt Thou purge my soul?

Just as I predicted, just as always, that depression came over for a visit. It's still here. I anticipate another week or so before it leaves.

I didn't even read my scriptures that day. How could I be so dumb? I knew it was coming, and I neglected my spiritual needs! I think that any other time of the month, skipping a day of scripture study wouldn't have had such dire results. And I'm not even saying that if I had read that I would have been able to withstand the temptation. But, it sure was a risky thing to do. Skip that on a day when I should have known I'd need it most. I'm sure my failure to read contributed to my FAILURE in general. Because, by small and simple things are great things brought to pass.

It's just sick that I opened up that door I swore I never again would. How can I believe in myself when I've proven myself untrustworthy? On that note, why make new promises now when I know I won't necessarily keep them?

I didn't even make it a month this time. I was supposed to go longer.

But . . . it was 3 weeks. Which is still longer than custom.

Whatever, Erin, there is nothing to congratulate here. Nothing.

I even fasted, TWICE, since my last time, both times for strength and will to overcome this sin-prison. I even felt great enough to go the temple last week! Why wasn't THAT enough for extra strength through a dark time?

Choices.

One of my friends had been going on about some famous guy I'd never heard of so I looked up his picture to see what he looks like. There was this one image of him, which wasn't particularly offensive, nor was it anything I'm ever attracted to, but it sent my mind buzzing. Then the whole, "I just wanna see a pic of such-and-such happening, that's it." "Oh, now I just need to see this image. But that's all. Then I'll go to bed." "Oh, wait, I wonder if this search has any results, I'm just gonna check, then I'll go to bed." And so the lies went until I gave into the flesh, after which I promptly felt like crap.

It's been a few days now and I still feel like whacking my head repeatedly against a solid surface. I still feel like screaming and ripping apart my insides. I still feel like a failure. I still feel like I let my Savior down, and I know I did.

But, I know He loves me still. I know He wants me with Him still. I know there's a place for me still. A place with my Father, with my Savior, with my loved ones. And while I live, I must still strive to fill that place.

Jesus lives. God lives. They love me.

A different direction:
I was so sensitive to porn for most of my life. It repulsed me a great deal. Then I found a blank video tape in my then-husband's possession that I played while he was gone. It was totally innocent. I had no idea he would have anything like that; I thought the video would be home movies or something. No. It was disgusting porn, a bunch of young drunk naked idiots messing around.

I wanted to throw up. I shook and cried and felt so sick. I confronted my ex about it and he made up some lie and said he'd take care of it.

The images I saw for maybe 2 seconds repeated, uninvited, in my head. A week or so later, I found a blank tape in the bedroom. I was certain my ex wouldn't be so careless as to leave it there again. But, I had to know if he was still watching porn. So I put it in. And it was still nasty porn. But I was so overcome with curiosity, that I watched it a little longer. Again, my ex lied about it, and I never saw the tape again.

And that's how it began. After our divorce, those images played again through my mind. I still remember that first snippet of video, and it's been about a decade.

That being said, knowing how easy it is to get into this stuff which now binds me in this self-created, self-perpetuated hell, I'm terrified for my children. All it takes is one time. And now, they're saying most kids are exposed to porn by the age of 10. How can I protect my kids when I'm in it myself?

is it easier?

I've been doing better, much better. Not so long ago, I was experiencing episodes of sin fewer than two weeks apart. I'm doing much better now.

But it's not easier. I think that's important to know. It's not easier. I'm just stronger. I'm stronger because I've done the things I'm supposed to do. I've listened to my bishop. I've listened to the promptings of the Spirit. I've been working very hard at choosing well. And I'm stronger.

I'm smiling. I'm really stronger! By the grace of God, I've gained strength! He has come through on His promises! When I do what He says, He is there for me.

Pornography still appeals to me. So does that thing it leads to, which word I'm afraid to use even on a blog no one ever reads. I get so lonely sometimes. When I was married, I really did love that special, intimate part of it. And I miss it a great deal. And so all that stuff certainly appeals to me still. It just doesn't matter as much anymore. Lately.

I feel like God has come to my rescue, I really do. I know I've mentioned it before, but, I wouldn't be here now without Him. I realize I haven't made it all that far. I haven't even lasted more than a month without engaging in porn, and that's pretty pitiful! That's pretty lousy! But it's progress, progress I haven't had in a very long time. Because my Savior has come to rescue me. You know what? He's always been trying to rescue me. I just took His hand this time. And now He's leading me back to our Father, up a steep and rocky path, a hard path, a difficult climb. But what's a few rocks and inclines when Jesus is at your side?

Mah. Nothin.

And so, the path is the same as it used to be. I'm just stronger now. And, more willing. I used to be so threatened by the path because it just might be hard. I'm not afraid of that anymore.

The Lord IS my Shepherd.

Fasting

I'm still doing alright! I'd like to make it to the end of the year without another slip-up. That's only 2 months. So I can do that. That's not to say that after that, I'll give into all my carnal desires. I expect that after 2 months of abstaining from my favorite sins, I'll have better learned to tame and restrain said carnal desires.

I'm only a little worried. I don't have that resolve I had before, where I was sure that I'd shut that door on evil. I hate to admit, that I am no longer so sure. I wish for the return of that resolve.

However, I'm continuing to make better choices.

The last time I failed, I realized that I hadn't fasted in quite some time. Oh, I skip a meal and sometimes two when Fast Sunday rolls around. But I hate it. I hate fasting. My efforts were weak; not efforts at all. I'd mumble a prayer in my head and call it my fasting prayer and then eat way before 24 hours had passed. I hadn't had a real fast since before I was pregnant with my first kid.

So, after the last time I gave in to the Devil, I fasted. A real fast.

And now, since it's Fast Sunday tomorrow, I'm fasting again. I can do it. This is henceforth going to be normal behavior for me.

The Spirit was whispering to me before I messed up, whispering that I need to fast. I wish I'd listened before my fall.

But here I am, fasting, praying, reading my scriptures. Adding a little bit at a time. that's why I'm going to come off conqueror.

Today I went to the temple for the first time in a very long time. I also don't enjoy going to the temple. I always think it's about 3 hours I could be doing something else. Of course, I never regret it. I love the peace I find there. While I am worthy, I must go.

Every so often -- actually, every month -- I have a little episode of depression. Sometimes it's not little. I think I may have PMDD. But when I'm down like that, depressed, I lose faith, I lose will because I lose passion. I get to a point where I don't care if I go to Hell because that's what I deserve anyway. And that's usually when I give in. I can feel it creeping into me now. I can feel the senseless anxiety and the unwarranted hopelessness begin and deep loneliness. And I'm not sure how to guard against it. I've finally accepted that I can't stop it. But perhaps I can steel myself and prepare myself sufficiently and guard myself spiritually insomuch that I will make it through without giving control to my flesh. Because it always ends. It's always so real and important, but it always ends.

I won't give in. That dark cloud is coming now, and I won't give in.

I'm so grateful that God has come to rescue me, has sent His Son to rescue me.

Progress

Dear Reader,

I made it one month. Almost exactly one month.

It's not long enough.

The thing is, the past month has been the most empowering, humbling, peaceful month I've had in years.

I told you of my new resolve of studying the scriptures. I have also begun family scriptures, and I and my children love that time together. We don't spend much time on it because we're new at it and they're young, and sometimes there are fits and uncooperative attitudes, but usually, there is humility, there is warmth, there is unity. And I love it. And my children love it.

God is so merciful. As I resolve to choose right, He gives me the things I need to make those choices.

Except, last week, I got a little depressed and a little discouraged and a little lonely and I let it get to me. And I participated in those sins that I was sure I'd forsaken. I stepped out back onto that cliff again, and shut the door on my Savior.

I was, and I am sick with disappointment.

But, as my bishop enthusiastically reminded me, I haven't lost the war. What I do here is get up and try again. And do again. And make it further this time.

I'm now willing to give it up. The onward, upward hill no longer scares me. The difficulty of the path of righteousness no longer discourages me. I know that it is while I am on that path that I will be at peace. The Lord has promised rest for those who never weary in doing good. And so, I know that no matter how hard the climb, no matter how lonely the path, I will be filled with all that I need to conquer the flesh.

I'm so excited for who I am becoming. I am so excited to BE who I really AM. A daughter of God, a Queen in the kingdom of Christ, a humble servant.

And so, Friend, I stand. I wipe the dirt and dust down. I repent. I take a deep breath, smile, and go back, back to that path that brings safety, warmth and peace.

I love the Truth. I love my Savior, Jesus Christ, my brother. I love my God. And so, to Them, I return.

Humble Yourself

Continuing: So I read stories of deliverance. Perhaps my favorite was when Aaron and Muloki and Ammah were imprisoned, starved, bound. They were patient in their afflictions. How can you be patient when you're in prison for doing the Lord's work? If they can be patient with that, and starvation, then I can be patient in my warm home, sleeping each night in a comfortable bed with a filled belly. I get to be comfortable in my afflictions; the least I can do is be patient. I have that HUGE advantage over these sufferers.

So, while they're patiently suffering, and faithfully, no doubt, Ammon is preaching and converting a king and queen. Then, the Lord tells Ammon to go get his brethren out of prison in a different land. And he does. And he frees them. And they're delivered.

God is always aware of us. He needed Ammon to convert several people before he sent him to deliver the prisoners. "Hey guys, sorry I didn't come earlier, I was converting a ton of people." "no problem! I'd be glad to be tied up and starved for our fellow men to be saved! We're free now, no big deal."

Deliverance will always come to the faithful. I really believe that.

Then, the great deliverance of thousands of Lamanites. They were converted, and delivered from sin and hell.

Jesus has come to deliver me from the chains of sin. He has been after me all these years, trying to get me to come back.

After the very inspiring General Conference, I had a long talk with God. I think I'm really giving it up. I'm giving up my sins to know Him. I'm tired of the depression. I'm tired of not having the Spirit with me always. I'm so tired of my laziness. And I'm not afraid of the responsibility I have anymore.

Remember that door I wrote of earlier, the door I envision, the door that leads to happiness? That one that I can't seem to enter with my whole self? I have imagined myself at this door many times. Just at it. There's the door on one side, just in front of me, and a cliff behind me. The cliff was getting closer and closer, eroding away with my rebellion. Well, during my prayer, I envisioned myself entering the door, with both feet. And there was the Savior, and he pulled me to Him, and we closed the door.

I'm not opening it. Ever.

Now I'm on the side of the Savior. I'm with Him now. Satan is attacking all the time. I think, actually, right now, he's stopped his attacks, but I know he's trying to trick me. He's planning another attack. But I'll be ready. Bring it on, Satan, I have God with me, I have my Savior with me, I have my bishop on my side, and we are stronger than you. He was there, so strong, after I made some commitments to God. I could feel him trying to change my mind and weaken my resolve, so I called my bishop. :D

I've known for some time that I need to humble myself. But how? How does one humble oneself?

I'm still learning, but I know that faithful study of the scriptures each day is one way.

The road before me is hard and rocky and thorny and steep. But, I now realize, HELLO, I can handle rocks and thorns and hills. So what if it's hard? I can do hard things. I know the way.

I'm sorry that I've refused to see until now. I'm sorry that I've chosen death and misery before now. I wish that I'd made this decision earlier, but I'm grateful that I'm making it. I'm grateful to my Savior for coming to rescue me out of the dark that I created for my own self. I'm going back with Him.

I mentioned before that when I'm in the thick of it, it's just too hard to get out. And it IS. I can't handle it at that point, for the most part. Which is why it's never gonna get to that point again. I have the tools of Salvation at my side, all the time. Now I shall implement them.

I'm happy.

I choose Jesus. I choose Life. I'm going Home.

Deliverance

Finally, on September 27, I decided to dedicate, faithfully, 15 minutes each day to scripture study. The key word here is "decided." It was a full choice, a determined choice, one that I meant to employ 100%. I 100% meant it.

I've kept a reading journal since then, as my bishop instructed me to do so many moons ago.

I've been humbled.

My friends, remember Naaman? He was a leper. He was a prominent citizen, well-liked, respected. But a leper. It was suggested to him that the prophet could heal him. So he went to the prophet's house and the prophet's servant came out and told him to bathe in the river 7 times, then he'd be healed.

Can you imagine? How absurd, how simple! "Lord, how shall I be healed?" "go dip in the river seven times." What? What does that have to do with leprosy? What does that have to do with a great powerful healing from a prophet? Naaman kinda threw a fit about it, and I can't be sure that I would have behaved differently. Then his friend told him that even though it was the prophet's messenger, and even though it was simple, he should still try it. He did, and of course he was healed.

I have been told to read my scriptures. And I have been. But, it's been sans commitment. Sans faith. Sans determination. Sans consistency.

Finally, on September 27th, I dove in. I rushed to the waters of Jordan and bathed, with faith, with surrender.

The experience, reader, has been a healing one. Fifteen minutes a day is rarely long enough. I can't get enough of the sweet words in the Book of Mormon. I can't get enough of the parallels to my own life. I can't get enough of the sweet, sweet love of the Savior.

I began my purposeful reading in the book of Alma, and every day for about a week, I studied stories of deliverance. God delivers the faithful. Time after time after time, He delivers His people. From all kinds of bondage. Alma and Amulek suffered prison, starvation, isolation, mockery from the people they loved and wanted to save. They suffered so much more than I have in my lifetime, and they were so much more righteous than I. God doesn't withhold life's bitter experiences from anyone. But, He has/does/will deliver His faithful children. Alma and Amulek knew that. They knew their sufferings would be temporary, and that God would deliver them. Which He did. I am inspired by the faith of these great missionaries.

As I read about the great conversion of King Lamoni and his queen and so very many others, I wondered why won't God give me an experience like that to change my heart immediately? Lamoni basically went from sinner to saint in just longer than a moment. Why not me? Why not send me this great miracle, knock me out for a few hours, change my heart and free me from these chains of sin forever?

Then I realized, I have all the knowledge and the tools I need to humble my own self, and to submit my own heart for cleansing.

I have so much to say! This is so long already! More is coming.

Choices

I've been considering choice lately. I know that whether I sin or not is my choice. It is for me to choose whether I look at a certain image or search for an inappropriate video. It is for me to choose whether I act on the desires of my flesh. I realize the choice is mine.

But... I don't think it's just about that choice. I think it's a series of choices. A series of good choices will save me. Choosing to read my scriptures and search them will make the choice of do or don't do that sin easier. Choosing to listen to my kids, to pray with real intent, choosing to read wholesome material and watch wholesome movies-- those choices are the important ones. The more good choices I make, the more strength I'll have to make the good choice when my favorite sin is in my face.

It seems logical to me. When I'm in that moment, thick in that desire, it's very difficult to see clearly, to remember what I really want, to CHOOSE to abandon it. It's easier to choose to bring the spirit into my heart in the morning, and keep it there all day.

I'm so close. I'm so close to making it, I know I am! I'm right there, right at that door of eternally discarding my favorite sins. Sometimes my hand is on the knob, sometimes I've stepped with one foot across the threshold. And then it pulls me back. I pull me back. What am I afraid of?

Today I talked to my bishop. I truly love that man. I think he's going to help me get some counseling at LDS Family Services. At least that way I can talk to a Mormon! I think my insurance will cover it, too. I have a lot of issues I need to work out, several of which I think may be directly or indirectly related to my addictions.

He advised me to hold off on the Sacrament a while. I have been. And the temple. Soon. So very, very soon, I will be over this threshold, through this door, and I will be partaking of the Sacrament weekly, and attending the temple monthly. Soon.

Why not now, Erin? Why don't I forsake it now?

Choices. Father, help me make the right ones.

How about that Relief Society Meeting?

Wow, the General Relief Society meeting sure was uplifting. I loved it. I am so glad I went. I am so grateful for a prophet who loves us- were you there? Couldn't you just feel the love of President Monson? I know, without ever having met him, that he loves me, that if we were to encounter each other, that I would be able to feel that love.

I think that's neat. :)

I LOVE this church! I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! I love that its message is one of happiness and peace, not of discouragement and despair. I love how inclusive the Gospel of Jesus is, how reaching, how non-discriminatory. How blessed I am to be a part of this true church.

Sometimes, I think I might be better off if I never knew of this church. That way, my sins would be justified. How can I be held accountable for something I don't even realize is wrong?

But I know how ridiculous that is. And I know that even the ignorant must repent. And even if that wasn't the case, even if I was ignorantly sinning and was therefore justified, I could never be whole w/o the knowledge and peace the gospel brings. My testimony of Jesus Christ and of His sacrifice for me often provides clarity where there would otherwise be confusion; light where there would otherwise be night. I love Him, I love my Savior, and I am so grateful that I know Him.

I just wish I'd show Him. Show Him that I love Him.

When I began this blog, I figured it'd be a matter of weeks and I'd have figured it all out and conquered this great sin. And that I'd be full of words of wisdom and encouragement for anyone who might stop by to read. Silly me. It's a constant struggle, one that I seem to lose more often than not. But I'm confident that that'll change.

For some reason, it's like I'm not ready to change. Sin humbles me. I'm at my best shortly after repentance, which shortly follows sin. Why can't I hold it? Why do I not hold that humility? I need to find something else that gets and keeps me humble, because my current methods are counter-productive.

During tonight's meeting, I asked myself this question: "if the only things you ever had to do were read the scriptures and pray all the time, would you then?"

I do read. And I do pray. But it's not consistent. I pray more just after sin. I read more just after sin. The days that follow a failure, I'm pretty great at keeping on top of the simple things that will save my soul. And then I start feeling good again and then I just lose that vigil. What's the matter with me? I just gotta hang on.

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with all the things I have to do to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. Read, pray, FHE, visiting teaching, go to the temple, magnify my calling, visit the sick, help the poor, write my missionary brother, contact my friends, spend time with my family, teach my kids, clean the house, attend enrichment activities, find a husband, be a missionary, listen to the Spirit, don't judge, ETC!. It just seems like too much for me to handle and it's easy to do none of it since I can't do all of it. But I wonder if ALL I had to do was read and pray, would I then?

I'm gonna do that next week. Forget everything else (besides work and basic necessities of course), and focus on reading and praying. That's it. That's all I have to do next week.

I'd like to start a Book of Blessings.

I'm never tired of God's mercy. I'm never accustomed to His long-suffering. He's there, just being patient with me. I sense, however, that I can't try His patience much longer. It's time to change my heart.

never ends

Last night I had so much anxiety over my kids. I'm having serious issues with them- not that they're being particularly unmanageable, but they have needs that are not being met, and that's due to my work schedule.

I don't know what to do. I'm not being a good parent, though.

And so the stress and anxiety of the situation overwhelmed me last night. Anxiety is a serious trigger. And I know there's something that can totally take my mind off it. But that something just makes my life so much worse.

My daughter threw a fit last night about wanting some chocolate before bed. I told her no, mostly because she initially demanded w/o asking a piece of chocolate, and then continued to whine. I don't like to give in to whines. She kept crying and whining about it in bed and finally I told her calmly that she can either have a tiny piece tonight or a huge piece tomorrow. She chose the tiny piece right away. And she'll regret that choice today when her brothers and I have a lot of chocolate and she does not.

The thing I'm trying to teach my daughter is something I need help with myself. I take a little tiny piece of pleasure now and because of it, I sacrifice something huge, something better than my imagination permits. And I'll regret it when all the righteous people get to partake of that which I want soooooooo much. Giving up a lot for a little is the stupidest sacrifice of all, and maybe doesn't even count as a "sacrifice" but simply as an unwise choice.

God help me.

Attack

I've had several attacks on my Spirit the past little while. More than usual. It's very discouraging. It's like, the harder I try, the stronger the temptations become. I can't get away. It's exhausting and frustrating. But I know that if I can just fight through them, eventually they'll go away.

And therein lies the problem: fighting through them. I almost never do. I almost never have the discipline to say no. Unless I've caught myself at the beginning of the desire. At that point, I can usually redirect my thoughts to something more pure. But if I've allowed my thoughts to develop into a desire, even subconsciously, I'm generally unable to summon the strength to dispel it. Not permanently anyway. Sometimes I get rid of the thought and distract myself, but it comes marching right back after a short time. Eventually, I get so exhausted from the battle that I give in.

Some warrior.

I hate war anyway.

Well, my point of this entry is, I won last night. Just a battle, not the war. (Yet!) It was so hard. I was just lying in my bed, trying to sleep, and an idea slowly formed. You know, one of those that you don't realize is harmful at first because you're not really concentrating on it? It developed into more inappropriate thinking and then a deep desire for sexual release. I was just gonna get up and get my portable internet-capable device and bring it back to bed so I could enjoy a little porn to help my desires along. And thus the fight ensued. Yes, no; yes, no; I can't, I have to; I'll feel like crap tomorrow, it doesn't matter- tomorrow will pass... But the fight lasted a lot longer than usual. It was ridiculous. Usually I'd give in after a short self-argument. But last night was different. I prayed. Because, really, REALLY, I don't want this in my life!

Sometimes the prayers don't work. Not when I'm that deep in it. As much as I'd like Him to sometimes, God never takes my agency to choose.

Last night I prayed, a little at first, just asking His name at first, "Father?" Then aloud. "Father?"

Then the counter- forget it, just get on the net and get this over with. The only way to eliminate this temptation is to give in to it, you know that. And even if you get through this one, another will come soon, and you'll probably give into that one. No use fighting tonight.

I believed that. I always believe that.

But, I tell you what, God is so merciful. Last night, He must have given me an extra dose of strength. Call your bishop, He said. It was 11:00 pm. I wasn't going to call my bishop. But then I heard my bishop's voice, "Don't be afraid to call me."

I decided I'd just get through it myself. I sat in my bed and began an actual prayer, begging God to take it, take it away tonight and forever, take my heart from me and clean it up, forgive my impure thoughts and my past mistakes. Please, please take it from me.

He took from me the immediate need to fulfill my sexual desire. Then He told me to call my bishop. In case I ever have a reader, and in case that reader isn't familiar with personal revelation, when I say God told me to call my bishop, I don't mean I actually heard His voice. It was an impression on my mind, a thought that I knew wasn't my own: A. I would never tell myself to call my bishop. I'm afraid to do that kind of stuff. I hate being a potential burden on anyone, and calling someone at 11:30 pm is burdensome. B. I've been familiar with personal revelation long enough to have an idea when something is from God- though I still struggle with that. And in fact, last night I was struggling with that. Mostly because I didn't want to call Bishop. I felt much better already. I wanted to do the right thing. I could still feel the burning desire to give into my flesh, but it was smothered now by the desire to NOT. I figured I could lie back down and drift off, ignoring the desire.

But as I talked with my Father, He granted me peace. Peace brought clarity and I thought again that I needed to call my bishop. Often, I find peace through simple prayer, for any of life's discomforts. As I prayed, the turmoil calmed and clarity returned- I DON'T want to do this sin after all. I don't want it. When I pray sincerely as I did last night, the result is similar. And, so, I'm ashamed to say, that I sometimes avoid prayer for that purpose. Because I don't want the desire to go away. Somehow, if I keep that desire, I can justify the sin. That's the lie I pretend to believe, anyway.

Well I thanked my Father for diminishing the carnal desire. But I could still feel it, not in my mind or in my heart, but in my body, in my flesh! That doesn't make any sense, I know, but I'm not going to attempt to explain it because my explanation also makes little sense.

I figured I'd sleep it off.

"Call the bishop."

Fine. Fine. Even though I don't think I need to, I'll call him. He did say don't be afraid. He did say he'll be there for me. He did say I can call him any time, 2:00 a.m. if need be. I had to go to my car to get his number out of my purse. I ignored the computer as I passed it by, though it seemed to be asking me to have a seat. Haha, I was even tempted to write on this here blog about what I was feeling in the moment. But I knew that was a dangerous risk and I was on the way to the car anyway.

So I called him. And he really was there for me. And he really didn't mind that I was calling him at 11:30 pm. And he knew I was fighting and he talked to me a little about that and recommended that I watch a movie or something to get my mind off of what I wanted to do. I said I'd read a book. I hadn't even thought of that to distract myself. The bishop began talking about stuff that didn't relate to the issue at hand and even got me laughing.

God bless him. Please, God, bless my bishop. I hope that Heavenly Father gives my bishop everything he needs right now. I can't thank my bishop enough, so I really did ask God to bless him, as a thank you from one of His children to another.

So I read my book. And it went away. There was nothing to ignore anymore by the time I put the book down and fell asleep. It was just gone. And I know if I'd not called my bishop, I would have had something to ignore all night. And I may have been able to ignore it, but it may have still been here this morning. With the bishop's help, I eliminated it.

And today, I am liberated. Not totally because I still have some incidents to repent of. But, I'm so grateful, to the Father of my spirit and to the Father of my ward, for their kindness and grace, because now I am not dragging around the sins of last night. The day after is always so miserable. I would be miserable right now. I would want to die right now.

I'm really excited about this. I'm scared, though, because I don't know what happened last night. Normally, I'm not interested in praying when I'm in such a mood. Normally, I want to fulfill my carnal desires, and for that moment, I want that more than I want to be righteous. Last night was definitely different. From where did that extra strength come?

Maybe it was because I listened to the Spirit when while driving home from work, I was warned to not get on the Internet when I got home. I felt fine. I felt that I would not be tempted. But I realized there was no reason I'd need to get on the computer, so I didn't.

Maybe it was because I'd participated in the ward service project earlier that day. Service always does wonders for the soul.

You think? I don't know. But whatever the reason, I was given more strength than usual to overcome. And what if it doesn't come next time? Without that extra strength, I will fail.

Napoleon's quote comes to mind: "He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat."

I don't know...

God help me. Give me that extra strength, that extra desire to be in Thy grace, the next time that I'm tempted.


My bishop was there for me. He really was. That alone did my heart so much good. It's hard to find that. People are so unreliable these days. But he was there. He said he would be and he was. And I thank my God for blessing me with an outstanding bishop who loves me.

Wow this is long.

perpetual failure

How is it that I trade long-time happiness for a moment of empty pleasure? Why do I work so hard for that which does not satisfy? I wonder if there's something wrong with me, wrong with my head, but then that seems like an excuse. But then, I'd like an excuse. Anything is better than actually being responsible for this sin.

It's getting worse. Less time between each incident. And I don't get it.

I'm so sick. I'm so sick of myself. I wish I could punish myself and purge my own soul. But such an attempt would be a mockery to the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

My chest feels closed, or blocked with some obstacle inside. I just want to die. I just don't want to be here anymore and pretend like I'm a good person. My kids deserve better. Everyone around me deserves better than who I am.

What's the point of trying to give it up? I never do. Maybe I never will. But I'll always keep trying and it's just so exhausting.

I need a counselor, maybe that would help. Maybe not. I thought I was getting one but when they were ready to set up my appointment, I asked if they had any LDS counselors or counselors who would respect the religion. I was told they didn't have anyone like that. So that flustered me and discouraged me and I just don't know where to turn. Oh where should I turn.

Lately

It's the same story. Trial and err. Attempt and fail. However, I'm better. I'm happier. I'm doing more good things. I'm eliminating so much from my life that I don't need (i.e. TV, pointless books, certain topics of conversation, some questionable vocabulary, some inappropriate thoughts and judgments, etc.), and I'm adding in many good things. And, whadaya know? I'm happier!

But still I struggle with my favorite vice. And I wonder how long? What more do I need to do? What if I get everything else right but still have this to fight? I'll never be whole or free.

My bishop encouraged me to attend the temple. Today I did so, and was filled. It's been several months since my last trip, and it felt so good to just be inside that sacred, beautiful building. I stayed after the session quite a while, after everyone else left, seeking the Spirit, looking for a revelation. It seems the theme of my study was that I must love God with all my heart, and tell my children constantly to love God with all their hearts.

I'm so sad to realize that I don't love Him with all my heart. My heart isn't His. It's still mine. And I wish, oh I wish, He would just take it! Take it and scrub it and saturate it in His love and mercy, in purity; pluck out every last thorn; send it through a wringer; eliminate every last impurity; seal the cracks and heal the bruises, and then return it to me. New, shiny, pure, whole. Just TAKE my heart, Lord!

But He won't. Not without my full submission. I have to give it to Him. I have to give Him my broken heart, and then He will heal it. Why, why am I holding back? What am I gaining?

John Donne explains it well:

BATTER my heart, three person'd God; for, you
As yet but knocke, breathe, shine, and seeke to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow mee,'and bend
Your force, to breake, blowe, burn and make me new.

Yet dearely'I love you,'and would be loved faine,
But am betroth'd unto your enemie:
Divorce mee,'untie, or breake that knot againe;
Take mee to you, imprison mee, for I
Except you'enthrall mee, never shall be free,
Nor ever chast, except you ravish mee.

(boldness added)
And yet, it just doesn't work that way. Thank goodness for our agency. But sometimes, that agency really gets in the way of my truest desires.

And that's another thing. Why aren't my truest desires winning out my carnal ones? More than anything I want to go Home! More than anything, I want to live in Celestial Glory with my family. More than anything I want to be pure and whole. These are the deepest, most intense desires of my heart. Why, then, do the temporary desires of my flesh overcome what my soul most desires?

"Where is your resolve?" my bishop asked me. I thought about that. My resolve is ultimately with God. Ultimately, I will be pure, whole, healed. I'm giving it up now. I'm in the process of giving it up forever. Soon, my heart will be God's and not mine. And then I will be free. I can't wait to destroy forever these chains which bury me. I'm doing it now.

Here's how I know. I've been struggling with this for years. But every time I fall, and I mean every time, I get up. I wipe the dust and tears and blood off my filthy flesh and I sincerely seek forgiveness. And I know that all those times I rose again, even though I fell later, was good and right and worth it. I'm not giving up. There are times I feel like giving up. I think I even gave up once for several months. But not really, because I repented again, eventually. By the way, those were the darkest months of my life.

I have the power to crush Satan's head. Somewhere in me is the power to defeat the devil. And I will. And you will see it. Just keep reading. You'll see it.

But there is that moment each episode when I feel like giving into Satan. It's a lot like this, actually:


I'm a soldier, fighting in a battle to be free again. And yeah. That's definitely a worthy struggle!

"From on high, somewhere in the distance, there's a voice that calls 'Remember who you are!'"

I'm so grateful for that voice.

"So be strong tonight. Remember who you are."

I think those are a key. Love God with all your heart. And remember who you are. Funny how the cliches, softened by repetition, lessened by simplicity, are really so sharp and profound.

My Bishop

My bishop is amazing. I've been blessed, time after time, with fantastic bishops. I have heard people complain about their bishops, and either they're really picky, or I'm extraordinarily blessed in my wards. Or both.

My Bishop, we'll call him Bishop White. He is very humble and merciful and so kind. ALL of my bishops have been! (I've moved a lot.) But Bishop White, he's particularly intuitive. He's very close to the Spirit, and I just love him. Today, he was a part of something of a small miracle in my life. (Speaking of, he advised me today to start paying attention to daily miracles.) You see, last week I'd wanted/needed to meet with him but when I'd been unable to get a hold of the Executive Secretary. So this week, I didn't really even try to get a hold of him. This morning, I regretted that choice and acknowledged that I needed to see the bishop again. So I prayed that I would be given the opportunity at church.

After Sacrament Meeting, the bishop approached me and asked if I needed to meet with him. Yes, bishop. Yes I do. Thank you.

My favorite thing about Bishop White is he makes himself so so available. I have so much pride and I hate asking people for help if I think it will take them outside of their routine, or their plans. So if I can't make an appointment with the right person, I tend to give up. Because if I ask the bishop directly, well, that's not going through the right channels, and that's asking the bishop to go outside his responsibility.

Except that I'm the bishop's responsibility. And he's helped me understand that. He has given me every chance to get a hold of him when I need him. He has specified that even in the darkest hours of the morning, he'll be available to me! I am so grateful to him for that. And YES, I may be taking him from his family. And YES I may be upsetting his plans, even plans of sleep. But he's my bishop. MY bishop. And if I need him, it's his responsibility to be there for me. And I don't need to worry about his family, or his plans, because God's going to take care of him. It's not my job to look after the bishop. It's my job to take care of myself and my family, and if that means upsetting the bishop's plans, so be it. God will take care of him. Silly Erin. Let the bishop be a bishop.

I'm so grateful that he has made himself available. My previous bishops have also been available but I haven't felt as comfortable in asking them to help me, because of my own pride. It's unfortunate that this bishop has had to color out his responsibilities for me in order for me to really get it, but I'm so grateful he did.

Not that I should call him up asking him what I should feed my kids for breakfast on Saturday morning. But I know that. And I know the difference.

He's suggested I find an antidote. The poison is pornography. What's the antidote? What's the thing that will take as much focus but distract me from the sin? I don't know. He gave some suggestions. I'll try them. There's gotta be something.

Well. I'm committed again. I'm determined again. I'm going to feed my spirit more and more. I'm not giving up and I won't give in.

And the Lord is so merciful and he wants me Home still! of course He does. He's so patient with me.

Scriptures, and Service

I try to read my scriptures every morning. I've been doing pretty well. Sometimes I really hate to do it because I feel like it doesn't really benefit me anyway. But sometimes I learn something wonderful.

Today wasn't really either extreme, but I did come across some verses I'd like to share.

From Mosiah chapter 7:
29 For behold, the Lord hath said: I will not succor my people in the day of their transgression; but I will hedge up their ways that they prosper not; and their doings shall be as a stumbling block before them.
30 And again, he saith: If my people shall sow filthiness they shall reap the chaff thereof in the whirlwind; and the effect thereof is poison.
31 And again he saith: If my people shall sow filthiness they shall reap the east wind, which bringeth immediate destruction.
32 And now, behold, the promise of the Lord is fulfilled, and ye are smitten and afflicted.
33 But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage.


___-----------------------------------------___


Something else interesting happened today. I've been in a cloud all week, all depressed and cold. Can't really focus on anything important. I've been trying to repent and feel good again and feel like I'm good with God again, but I'm pretty low. Well today I was with my best friend, and her son had an experience that terrified him, poor kid. Well his mom went to check out the issue and he was there in the room with me, looking so scared and on the verge of tears. I scooped him up into my arms and told him he was okay, he's just fine, and just hugged him, and he cried and cried in my arms. I gave him my heart, my full self, in that moment.

It was nothing. I love that boy like he's my own, and it was instinct to reach out like that. But I noticed that I felt so much better afterward. I was more myself, for a while anyway.

It's a lesson I've learned over and over. Service heals. Giving of oneself makes oneself whole, or at least closer to it.

I definitely need more service in my life.

depression

I don't think there's anything that makes me more depressed than sin. I used to take an anti-depressant but my prescription ran out and I haven't been back to the doctor. I thought I would just start exercising and everything would be ok.

I often seem to think the solution to my problems are a lightswitch. Somewhere, there's a switch I can click and everything will be fine.

I actually thought exercising might be that switch. But, no, I still sin. Al the time.

I'm not sure that I truly love my children but I am sure I don't want them to live without me. So I continue to live.

I do wonder what's the point, though. I'm always messing up. There's a good chance I'll keep doing the same awful things until I die. And that's an exhausting thought. And I'd almost rather just not live through it. But I can't do that to my kids. I don't think I'm THAT bad a mom that not having a mom is better than having me. Not quite.

I'm getting so confused about my emotions. I have no idea what I'm feeling. When I pray and ask God to forgive me, I cry. I sob, even. But I don't know why. Is it "Godly sorrow" or is it shame or is it selfish pity?

It seems wrong that I do all the things the bishop asks me and I am still as easily tempted as if I was disobedient. I just wish it would get easier. I wish it would just get easy. Is that selfish?

I think that maybe one day I'll get it. Maybe one day, I'll make it through all the episodes of temptation and I'll conquer. In that case, God, forgive me.

yet another self discovery

I just found out that I have a low self esteem. How has this escaped me so long?, one might ask. Because I know God loves me. I know His Son loves me. I know that I have incredible worth. Therefore, I figured I had a healthy self esteem.

But, Hitler has incredible worth. God and Jesus love him as much as they love me. I certainly don't think highly of him. And, as I recently discovered, though I don't place myself on the same level as Adolf Hitler, I also don't think highly of me.

The other night I was trying to think of something that's naturally good about me. I came up empty. It went kinda like this:

Well, I have faith.
But not enough, obviously, or you wouldn't be struggling with this huge problem.

I'm a good mom.
But not good enough; what kind of mom puts her kids in spiritual danger the way you do?
Oh, yeah.

Well I love my kids.
Do you?
It seems like I do, but maybe I don't. Maybe what I feel isn't love, but something selfish. Love, by its very nature and to its very core, is selfless. Engaging in pornography is simply selfish. I don't know. I don't even know if I have love for my kids, my precious, precious angels who deserve the best mom in the world and are stuck with me.

So then I stopped trying to come up with stuff that's good about me. And I realized that I have never thought much of myself. I found my journal from when I was 16 the other day, and I didn't like myself then, either. But I wasn't even bad then. Just confused. I also realized that my parents and my family contributed largely to my lack of self love. I couldn't trust them. Whenever I needed to cry, I had to hide. And, so, I thought that having feelings was bad. I still feel so guilty when I start to get upset about life, because think of all the other real problems out there. And, not only that, but how dare I feel sad about how someone treated me, or about something else, when I have a habit that I need to think about, that's destroying my life? That's where my focus should be. Not on petty disappointments.

In my teen years, I wallowed a lot in self pity. It was truly pathetic, and I knew it then. I hated it about myself. I don't do that anymore. It's just turned into self-neglect. I have trained myself to not care about my own feelings. They never mattered to anyone else, anyone important to me (i.e. parents, siblings, husband) why should they matter to me?

I don't suppose this is a healthy way to go. Now, I'm confused about my own feelings, and I'm to the point that I don't even know if my own feelings are genuine! Is this sorrow for sin, or is it something I'm making up? Is this longing for righteousness, or is it pretend?

I'm a mess!

Temple

I'm endowed. I have loved going to the temple in the past. It has been several months since I last attended. I'd really like to go. I'd really like to go regularly. I'd really, really like to go every time I have a day off, at 11:00 a.m. I have all Sundays off, and one extra day in the week, which varies.

I wonder what my bishop would say. I'll ask him tomorrow. If I make that commitment to go to the temple EVERY day off (besides Sunday of course), that's once a week, and I know that would help me, I KNOW it would!

I hope he says it's ok. I don't know though; it's been a rough week.

The Next Day

The day after I fail is usually a dark one. I feel sick and incapable. Sometimes I feel very, very hopeless. I'm filled with disgust when I look back on my previous night's choices.

How can I lie to myself like I do? When I search for an inappropriate image or story, I always tell myself, I just want to see one thing, and then I'll stop. But that one thing is never enough so I have to see more. Ok, fine, it'll just be one more search. That's it. Then I'll get off the computer. Of course I'll stop soon. Of course I won't look at actual porn, just this stuff that only arouses me a little, but no one's naked or anything. And then that'll be it, no sin committed.

It never happens that way. Never. I'm never satisfied with that one search that I told myself I'd be satisfied with. Yet I buy into it almost every time. No, not this time. This time, I'll stop for sure. I'm ok, I can handle it.

Always wrong.

One day, I'll learn it. I'll learn the right way and I'll do it. I just can't do it alone.

I do intend to start counseling soon. Very soon. I think that will help, if only I can get to know myself a little better so I can better gauge where my weak and strong points are.... I don't know. I just need help.

the process

Usually, before, I feel really great. Usually it's because I've gone a while w/o looking at porn. I have that moment of pride, look how far I've come, look what I have done!
And then the fall seems inevitable.
Even when I recognize the thought immediately as pride and try to act against it. It seems like once that thought has entered my head, uninvited, it's done. Seems like later that day I will give up what I've worked for and give in to the temptations which do so easily beset my soul. Even if I read scriptures or listen to a conference talk.

Uuuuuugh why am I trying?

I guess it's because even if I can only last two weeks between incidents, those two weeks are somewhat happy. I mean, if I was looking at porn every single day, I would feel so dirty every single day. And I would hate myself every single day. As it is now, I only hate myself two or three times a month. The rest of the time, I can tolerate me.

I'm so scared right now because last time I talked to the bishop, he was serious about consequences. He said it's like when you drive around without a seatbelt, you don't always get hurt. But one time, you'll drive without a seatbelt because that is your habit, and then that's it. The consequence takes your life in one form or another. I'm terrified to go back to him, I'm scared to lose my membership or something. I went against his direct warnings, against the Lord's direct warnings to me.

But I've done everything he said! He told me to stop watching TV. I did. He told me to stop listening to the radio. I did. He told me to start listening to Sherri Dew. I did! He told me to put a picture of the Savior near my computer and I did, and he told me to read Believing Christ and I am. I've been reading scriptures every day--
Oh. I did skip a day this week. Is that why? Is that what caused my fortifications to fail?

Shouldn't I be given MORE strength and not just regular strength when I'm following my bishop's council?

This last time, the picture of Jesus was there again and I looked at it. My bishop said he wants me to tell the picture that I don't care if I hurt Him. Okay, okay. That part I didn't do. I couldn't, again. But I wonder if I'd forced myself, tried harder to force myself, if that would have changed my mind.

I said it in my head, though: I do care if I hurt you but I guess I don't care enough. I don't care if I hurt me.

Then the rationalizing. I've already gone this far.

THIS is how it happens for me. I'm usually on the internet and something, some image, will catch my eye. It's not a particularly offensive image, but it will inspire a curiosity, sometimes about the image and sometimes not at all. Then I'll do a Google image search and I'll look up a word that is totally innocent by itself and hope that I accidentally find an image that tickles my fancy, so to speak. I'll click the image and it might take me to a questionable site, oops. It's so ridiculous. It's only me in the room and I'm pretending. I'll continue searching for innocent words that could be dangerous until I find something awful, then, soon enough, I don't care anymore, and I'll type in whatever will most quickly get me the pornographic material I am looking for.

And then- I've already gone this far. I'm already in it, my hands are already dirty. There's no point in stopping now.

And then I die a little. And I never like it enough. I never enjoy it enough. It's never what I really want and it's never ever ever ever enough to justify my departure from the Spirit. And I do one of two things: 1. Cry. Beg the Lord to forgive me again. Fear and tremble in my heart. HATE myself. 2. Ignore it. Go to sleep. Mentally shrug my shoulders and tell myself, see? I knew you couldn't quit. Oh well. HATE myself.

I feel so trapped. How cliche is that. I feel trapped in a cave without holes, in a tiny space, squashed down by the ceiling and I can't even breathe. And it feels like I'll never breathe again. And it feels like I'll never see again.

Oh, Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I might shake at the very appearance of sin?

Sometimes I wish God would make me be good. I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind if He took my choice away so that I could do the right thing.
But it seems like forced righteousness isn't righteousness at all. Where there's no choice, I don't think there's any real happiness. I don't think there can be.

Still, I completely understand John Donne's Holy Sonnet XIV. "That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend/ Your force to break, blow, burn and make me new." and later, "Take me to you, imprison me, for I/ Except you enthrall me, never shall be free/ Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me."

Despite my behavior, I do love my Father and His Son. At least I think I do. Sometimes I wonder if it's really love, because why would I treat someone I love the way I treat them? For that matter, do I really love my children?

NOW

Recently, I've noticed a theme in my spiritual quest. The theme is now. I have a new bishop, and while all my bishops have been nothing short of miracles of human beings, none have focused so much on the present as this one has. It's just what I need, I think. He told me that I can be forgiven, which I knew. He told me that I can be forgiven now, which I did not realize.

That idea, that of instant forgiveness, has since presented itself to me repeatedly. And I think I'm starting to get it. The Atonement of our Savior helps us right now. The scriptures tell us that as oft as we repent, we will be forgiven. Nowhere do they say that once we're perfect, we'll be forgiven. What good is a Savior, and Atonement, to the perfect? When we take our sins, or our sorrows, to the Savior, there's no waiting period for His grace. God doesn't work on the clock.

Yes, complete repentance requires complete abandonment of the sin. But the thing is, Jesus' Atonement works for us right now. Jesus did all the work, bore all the pain, took every last punishment for our every last sin. So guess what? We don't have to. Rejoice, Oh my heart! No longer droop in sin!

Don't misunderstand. I don't believe God will tolerate insincere mutterings of apologies, nor will He stand for lying promises of good behavior. But if you go to God with your broken heart and contrite spirit, asking sincerely for the power of the Atonement to fill in where you have fallen short, He will do it. I think He really will, for He has said it. Mosiah 26:30- "Yea, and as often as my people repent will I forgive them their trespasses against me." EVERY TIME. Do it now!

I've decided that now is the time for repentance, my friends. I've procrastinated too long. I've been afraid to repent because I didn't know if I'd commit the sin again. In fact, I have thought that I would inevitably commit the sin again, so why repent? I'll just wait till I'm done sinning. Can you imagine, if everyone waited until they were done sinning to repent, Heaven would be empty. We're not done sinning till we're dead, and even then, I'm not sure. But, every time I repent, He'll forgive me. This doesn't give me license to repent and then sin, knowing I'll just repent again. The key, I think, is in Moroni 6:8 "But as oft as they repented and sought forgiveness, with real intent, they were forgiven." With real intent. real intent. Real intent.

It's time to stop waiting for the day when all desires of the flesh will magically disappear. It's time to repent now.

At my bishop's advice, I've begun to read (again) Stephen R Robinson's Believing Christ. To any repenting soul, to any mangled mind, hurting heart, or suffering spirit, I urgently recommend this book. As I've begun to read it, I've seen more of the now theme. I'm really starting to believe that I can actually quit my favorite sins now. And I can do that with the help and mercy of the Savior. And maybe, just maybe, I can do that now.

Isaiah 1:18 has been on my mind lately. But one word I've overlooked is the second word of the verse. I always thought of "come now" as a meaningless phrase, like "there, there" or "now, then." Like, "Now, then, let us reason together." But I think it's more like Come. Now.

Come now. "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." Come now.

Come now, and let's be reasonable! The Lord says that even though your sins are pretty dang dark, they're going to be white. You're going to be clean. That's what the Lord says, anyway.

Come now.

A Stumble

It was the other night. A friend of a friend on Facebook requested me as a friend, as a result of a respectful debate we'd had inspired by a post by our mutual friend. I don't know how I manage to "meet" people and then talk with them inappropriately, but it seems to be a regular occurrence. We started talking and before I knew it he was talking about things he was into sexually, and rather than shutting down the conversation immediately, as I should have, I took part in it. He even shared some pictures, which were pornographic in nature.

I have a framed picture of Jesus on my computer desk. My bishop advised me to put it there. It's been there for about a week is all. My bishop told me to, next time I'm about to engage in my destructive habits, look at the picture of Jesus, and say aloud, "I don't care if I hurt you."

I remembered my bishop's counsel. I looked at the picture of Jesus and I could not open my mouth, I could not tell Him I didn't care. Instead I said, "save me?"

The Spirit was there then. I closed my eyes and felt that voice and all I had to do was click the 'x'.

I am so ashamed to tell you that I didn't. I opened my eyes and looked at the photo and was so overcome by curiosity that I looked at the site it came from and continued the conversation with the stranger. And at that moment, that moment that I looked back up, I felt the Spirit fly out of me, and a darkness came into my heart and home.

My kids were in bed.

Soon, the shame of my open rebellion overcame my curiosity and I did end the conversation and I did leave the website. But it was too late. I had already sent the Spirit away, and the Spirit was gone.

However, I lingered at the website only for maybe 10 minutes. I recognize fully that it was 10 minutes too long, and I regret it, I regret it with all my heart. But is it not better than an hour, or two, which is what I usually have done? I also quit before the physical end came, and I'm grateful that I didn't commit the other sin that usually accompanies the sin of pornography. I do believe that was a direct result of having the picture of Jesus right by the computer. I'm almost certain that I would have perused other websites and found videos and continued the inappropriate conversation had the picture not been there. I'm so grateful for my bishop's council.

I cannot count it as a victory simply because I didn't sin as much or as long as I'm accustomed to. No, I fell. I am repenting. And I hope, and I pray, that that was my final fall. Why shouldn't it be?